Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Brought to the Surface

Being pregnant with my 5th child has brought back all those past memories of being pregant with my other 4. The first feeling of nausea and you wonder am I getting sick or could this be morning sickness...then you recognize how familar it is and know it is not the flu. It is familar in how certain smells and even conversations can trigger it or how it really isn't {morning sickness} but {all day} sickness. You are so tired that your once night owl self takes 2 hour naps and is in bed by 9:30 pm most nights. Your once cheery waking self would rather stay in bed all day. The laundry piles up, hubby has to start doing the grocery shopping, something you covet and strangely prefer all to yourself {we all have our quirks}. It is all brought back to the surface...but there is comfort in feeling sick, especially when you know it is how your body responds to pregnancy. It is proof, for lack of a better term, that life is growing inside you.

But then other things come to the surface...the memories of loss. You remember how you had a weird feeling before {that ultrasound} and you could not put your finger on it but you were right, something was wrong. One of the two lives growing inside you is gone. You never imagined it as you have had 3 perfect pregnancies before. You are so grateful for the life spared but wonder what would have been? You still picture 2 carseats in your rearview mirror, double stroller at the big kids sporting events, what it would have been like to nurse two babies. You do not dwell but you always wonder.

So there you are the day of your ultrasound for your current pregnancy and although nothing is telling you something is wrong and you do not have that feeling you had before on that day, {But} you wonder!


  1. Bless you in the memories...and may you find that your feelings of wonder with this new life inside be healing for you and your family.

  2. oh yes, exactly what julia said!