Monday, April 26, 2010

I know the Truth...

Remember this post when I shared my fears? That ultrasound came and went with no cause for concern. In fact they said everything is perfect. Although, I was relieved, I still feared and knew I would at least until we got to 20 weeks (when we learned Jessica's twin had died) when I would have a level 2 ultrasound. But then on the eve of my next regular OB appt I asked for prayers at my Mom's Group, stating that I still felt fearful, although I so badly wanted to trust, and until that Doppler touched my stomach and I heard that beautiful sound of a heart beat from my womb I could not be sure. We prayed and I did not give it much more thought. The next morning I headed to my appt with Jessica in tow expecting to be there maybe 20 minutes...I knew the drill, weight, blood pressure, pee in a cup and have the Nurse practitioner listen for the heart beat. It was taking too long and I knew...I know the Doppler is not always effective at finding the heart beat at say? 10-13 weeks but certainly by 15+ weeks it should have been detectible. I sighed heavily. She tried to reassure me that sometimes it is baby's position and that we would do an ultrasound right away...but I knew. I felt it in the core of my being that my baby was no longer alive. The ultrasound confirmed. I sat there almost emotionless despite what I now knew. I have my 2 year old with me and all I could think is how she often came to my belly and said "I kiss the baby" or my husband at work and my older children at school who I now had to share this news with...AGAIN. I then had to wait to see my regular doctor. I walked away from that appt still with no emotion expecting to have a procedure later that week. I was told to go home and rest. Well my body chose to respond differently and I delivered my baby into the arms of Jesus later that night in the emergency room. Still no emotion. I began to think maybe it is just easier because it has happened before. I was wrong. The emotions came in the dark of night 48 hours later. Physically, I am recovered and have the same restrictions you would have after delivering a full term baby. Emotionally, I am shaken, sad and wondering what this all means. I know I am not meant to understand it all. But it is hard...so hard to see the importance in much of anything else after this. My head knows the Truth! I just cannot feel it yet in my heart and soul.

4 comments:

  1. My heart breaks for you! I pray you will find healing and comfort as the Lord wraps His arms around you!

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  2. Oh I wish that there were something I could say to help comfort you, or just help in any way. I'll be praying.

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  3. Oh honey. I had no idea. Thank you for sharing your story with us, I hope that it brings you the smallest bit of healing.

    Please know that these are more than just words - I think of you frequently and pray for you when you come to mind. I HATE that you're going through this and I HATE that you already know what to expect. It is terribly unfair and so hard. I'm so so sorry.

    I think He understands that it will take awhile to feel the truth in your soul. He calls us to come to Him when we are weary and I believe he expects us to be frustrated and angry and mad at him during those times. Crawl into his lap and cry, sweet friend. He will hold you. If I was close, I would hold you. Please know you're being held.

    xo.

    @nataliejanette

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  4. I don't understand what it'snlike to lose a baby. It seems like some of the most unimagineable pain a person can feel. I pray for you often, for healing and peace and hope. I pray God holds you in a way that makes you feel so warm and secure. It's hard when lose someone we love no matter what.

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