Wednesday, July 07, 2010

I am weak but He is Strong

I have been thinking and even saying recently, that I am at a point in my life where I believe I could live without a tv in my house. No desire to watch anything anymore. Not even the news. Too much pregnancy, babies, life and death...for entertainment and in the news.

I am a sucker for a good deal. Especially second hand treasures...Goodwill has been my favorite in the past. I was often found there a couple times a week. The employees knew me well and knew my 2 yr old by name. Some how those cheap deals have no value anymore. The employees also knew I was pregnant. I have not been back there since April 9th {4 days before her birth death}.

I love my "Aveda therapy." March 25th was the last time my hair was cut and it was when I shared with my stylist I was expecting. More than 3 months later, my hair is long and losing its style. I cannot go back but I need to.

When I think about it, I find it incredibly odd that the things I am still avoiding pale in comparison to the things I have faced in the last 12 weeks. They are nothing compared to the strength I had to seek to question the availability of my daughter's body, to ask to see her {hold her} weeks later, to make arrangements for her cremation, to seek help for the darkness and panic, to attend a support group and even share my story. Still, all these things seem almost painless compared to going shopping, getting a hair cut and even turning on the tv.

My counselor gave me homework 2 weeks ago to do by the end of this week (my next appt)...go to Goodwill (I do not have to buy anything, just go in) and get my hair cut. Watching tv isn't necessary, although I know it something I am avoiding. I have made an appt for a haircut for this Saturday...although there are moments where I am either close to calling and asking the receptionist to give my stylist a message about what happened to avoid the awkwardness when I arrive or cancelling the appt altogether. I still haven't figured out how to go to Goodwill. I have been close, even in the parking lot.

It is not that any one of these things is important in the grand scheme of things, but they are important in breaking the cycle of avoidance. Yet, overcoming these fears becomes a letting go of the last few strings that tie me to the grief {to her} and in that letting go the memory fades a little more. Already I feel like I have forgotten pieces of her. Maybe that is why I sleep with the pink prayer shawl I held her in 6 weeks ago {every night, like a security blanket} or why I still wear the green maternity t-shirt I bought just 3 days before I delivered her. These things help me remember.

Then, when I consider where I have been and where I am at...I have come a long way on this journey. I must remind myself that just as He has been in it thus far, walking with me {often carrying me} that indeed, in the midst of this thorn His power will be made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).


  1. That was such a beautifully honest post. My heart aches for you.

    I apologize for not knowing what you've been going through. I follow you on Twitter but have been wrapped up in my own grief for awhile now. It's different than yours, much different, yet the avoidance part? The same.

    Two big things like that in one week? That's a lot. But I think you have the courage and spirit to do these things. I understand why they're hard.

    My prayers are with you I'll be praying for supernatural strength and peace beyond comprehension. (((hugs)))

  2. I'm sorry for your loss. It's really difficult, isn't it? Maybe for those of us who have experienced this kind of loss, we have a chance to minister to other women in the future. Thanks for sharing your story.

  3. You can do this because He will help you. I believe in you, and in Him, and know that it will be hard, but it will be good.

    (And I hope you feel good after your hair appointment. We all deserve to be pampered now and then!)