Thursday, September 09, 2010

I Still Come Undone

It will be 5 months this coming Monday. Honestly, it still seems like yesterday. God has healed my heart in many ways and He is still working {and so am I} on the rest. Parts are still very raw. Just when I think I am all put back together, I come absolutely undone. The moments are far less frequent than before but way more penetrating. I wonder when will I stop hurting everytime I see a newborn or a pregnant mom due any day...cause that would {should} be me. My due date was supposed to be October 3. 24 days from today. Now I know the likelihood that she would have been born on that day is slim. But it is still a day you long for. And 24 days before that day you are feeling as if you cannot go on being pregnant any longer. I would give anything to be playing that waiting game right now. To not sleep, to clean closets and scrub woodwork at 2 am to prepare the nest. I should be in that story. But I am not.

For whatever reason her life was suppose to be what it was {what it is}. I am grateful for that time, no matter how short. He began a work in me while she was still growing...a work that called me to trust, trust like I have never have before. Because I feared, because of the past. Even though somedays I feel it get me right in the gut, that trust that I placed in Him, handing my baby over to Him each and everyday was real. But I never imagined having to let go of her and I would give anything to rewrite the story. But I am not the author.

I am convinced that grief causes physically pain. I have experienced it. In the first several weeks it was true physical heartache. Yes my heart hurt with emotion...but there was definate physical pain as well. Lately, that pain has arms now ache. I have had this dream a lot lately. I am delivering her but she is whole and her freshly birthed flesh is being placed in my arms. I see her face and what I find most comforting is that face, and body looks just like the whole beauty He showed me when I held her weeks after she went to be with Him. Beauty for Ashes -Isaiah 61:3. In the morning as I wake I often close my eyes just a little longer to see her again.

Sometimes I am angrily begging, "Lord, redeem this now."

I come close to presuming what will be made right in this...I have said before that I have seen glimpses in the way He is connecting me to others, using me to help others...I don't know what it means and I won't pretend that I do. But I cannot deny though, that I wish I did. I am human, this is me...the raw, real me.

I don't know if October 3 will come and go and mean everything or nothing? Maybe just this first time it will mean something. I do know that April 13 will always be carved in my heart. But still I am afraid for October 3. I have been told by many, those that have been through it and those whose life's work is to help us through it; that it is going to be hard. I have chosen to get away with my hubby for that weekend. Escaping the world for some soul healing quiet, nature, and rest. A time to come undone from the shoulds and woulds...He is bigger and He longs to make me whole.


  1. ((hugs))

    There will be some sadness and that is OK. I am glad He is giving's a process. Keep holding tight to Him, He will bring you through it.

    He is bigger and we surely do not understand all He has planned or why...sometimes we may never know. But, He is bigger. :)

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my first baby thirty-four years ago. I still say to myself, "She/he would have been born this month or would have been this old." I don't think you ever truly get over losing a child. There's no longer any pain except the my quickening heart when I realize a date or year.

    I pray for your continued healing brought along by God's grace and love.

  3. it is hard to be patient and wait out god's plan. sometimes i just want to scream at him. i don't understand what he is doing of thinking in my life. but i have to trust him.

    am thinking of you today...will light a candle for Abigail tonight.


  4. Jen,
    I just read your story and am brought to my knees. Thank you for sharing here...for helping others who may be walking a similar path. I have struggled a little lately, as you read in my last post, but one thing I know: God loves you.

    Bless you, sweet friend. I will be praying for you.