Saturday, December 04, 2010

"Wrapped in Promise"

I have spent all day at home and I had big plans for getting so much done. I did a few loads of laundry, picked up a little, swept all the sand and salt from the front entry, took care of my sick 2 yr old and crocheted a little. It wasn't what I planned though.
Most of my day was spent feeling it...the weight of all that has gone wrong, all that is still not right after all this time, all that needs to be done and how I just still do not have my mothering, wifely and homemaking mojo back. How I have been feeling this for some time...but I pretend and hide. Time heals they say and it does but the time is different for each of us. So I can hide safely from many because...it has been enough time...and...I fake it pretty well.
A day at home, laid back, brings it back. I have been pouring myself into other things to hide. All good things but it made for a good excuse to not be who I know I am and want to be at home.
I feel the loneliness, sadness and grief (yes still). It doesn't mean I don't know and feel that Eternal presence that is always with me...but I am human and it still hurts deep.
These feelings have been clawing their way out, not spoken but at least needing to be written. I have tried for some time. Today, I'd type a few and then I'd nervously crochet a row on a scarf I am making for my toddler. I'd hide again, even when no one was looking.
I have faith, that has never been in question. If anything I lack the patience in this instant gratification world to wait upon the Lord. To take that hope that is within me and wait and be renewed (Isaiah 40:31).
I cannot hide anymore...I have done it before in past trials, isolated myself and absolutely no one knew and when they don't know...they cannot call upon Him for you {with you}, they cannot lend you hope, faith and trust when you cannot find it.
But I have been blessed by letting people in and in being let into others and what we have to do and be for each other. In that doing and being, is some sense of purpose and certainly of promise that "a thousand things are happening in this one thing."

I leave you with some lyrics that inspired me and reminded (and promised) me that He is working in this...even after all this time

But in spite of the ache that doesn’t go away

You’ll be sharing your story one rainy day

And at the next table somebody catches your words…


...You didn’t know


A thousand things are happening in this one thing

Like a thousand fields nourished by a single drop of rain

So honey, wrap yourself in promise

while you wait the morning light

A thousand things are happening tonight
But in the midst of the most exquisite pain…
…the praises you sing of a sovereign God reach the girl

whose last hope is gone

she never thought there was purpose in anything here

now the seed has been planted and it’s taking root there


You didn’t know

…A thousand miracles you’ll have to wait and see

"A Thousand Things" by Christa Wells

***Updated to add a link to Christa Wells website and you can hear the Frame the Clouds cd for yourself...my new fave.

3 comments:

  1. I don't totally understand, but I do in some ways. I rest in the hope of eternity and salvation, but the grief some days of los just hurts so much. I miss my dad a lot. This first Christmas without his is hard. If you think about it, it's totally appropriate to grieve. Jesus did when he lived on Earth as a man. And God never wanted death in the first place ... so death, essentially, is unnatural. I think that kind of explains why it hurts so much, and why we grieve so deeply.
    Sorry for the novel, but your post resonated with me tonight. Thinking of you.

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  2. Oh, I struggle with similar things and I haven't had a loss like you have, you are on my heart tonight. And I'm sending you hugs.

    Steph

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  3. Jen-I am so sorry for your loss, but your writing is inspiring, and hopefully therapeutic for you. You are in my thoughts. I would actually like to talk with you offline, if you're willing. You can email me at mamaisa4letterword@gmail.com

    You're in my thoughts tonight.

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