Tuesday, February 01, 2011

The Big Boo-Boos

Before children I knew there would be difficult days. The sleepless nights, the endless toys, laundry and diapers...cleaning up vomit, crayons from the walls and spilled sugary milk from breakfast. I was prepared for that.

The bigger stuff, I don't think I could ever be ready for. The stuff that takes an otherwise normal day and catapults me into the "oh my gosh this cannot be fixed with a band aid and a kiss" kind of day.

The waves of regret pounding my heart. Questioning all the guiding and teaching. Was I too selfish? Was I working so hard to help them be so good to others I forgot to teach them to be good to each other? Did I not offer them the same Grace He so freely gives me? Did the broken days our family endured have a part?

There are parts of me that blame so deeply.

Knowing that it requires help but taking that leap is like wearing my heart
{my weak places} on my sleeve...and that may show me not so buttoned up as I would prefer to appear.

Night falls, the chaos sleeps...we made it through. Peace fills me briefly and the night feels more like mercies new. Then as quickly as light fills the room in the morning so does the reality...that this cannot be fixed with a band aid and a kiss.

I'm trying to uncurl from this fetal ball, stand tall in faith, but lean because I serve Him by serving them {advocating for them} this side of Heaven.

2 comments:

  1. So true...and so hard. You are a good mom, and sometimes you just have to lean on the fact that you are human and you can only do so much.

    Beautiful that you have a place to share it and give the rest of us hope.

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  2. I found you by reading a comment you left on an (in)courage post.

    I stuck around for a bit to read more about you and your heavy losses. I am so sorry!

    I wanted to comment on this post because I have days full of "waves of regret" too. Ugh. It's just awful. I blame myself and beg Jesus to just make me nicer! And then I fall silent and listen to Him soothe me, forgiving me.

    I hope you find that peace too.

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