***The Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope writing challenge this month was to reflect on something a friend or family member did after the death of my baby. This is just one, honestly I could write a book on the ways to come alongside someone who is grieving a loss...I was so blessed by the compassion of others and see now how that too was molding me.
In the first several days after that day I was seeking and I could not find. I knew that I had not forgotten the Truth but oh how I could not feel it. I could not feel Him. I wrote and spoke openly about this.
A dear friend was looking for a book on her shelf and saw the devotional she had and later that day she handed it to me and shared that she felt like she was supposed to give it to me. She even marked a specific day's devotion that she felt was fitting to where I was.
The devotional was Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. In short, the author began to wonder if she could receive messages from God in her time spent with Him in the Word. Her daily journaling went from "monologue to dialogue." The daily devotions are more than words on a page to be read, they are words from Jesus straight to me and you.
This spring, it will be a year since I began the devotional...The devotion my dear friend had marked I read when she gave it to me and it was Jesus telling me His peace is there even amidst the trying to figure it all out. I definitely needed those words. It took me a few days to get in the habit again. April 30...I was laying in bed, the kids had no school, and I honestly wanted to stay there all day. I decided to open the devotional...I had begun that morning feeling like I had nothing in me to give to the world, myself, my family...I had failed...again. I did not even really have the drive to do anything with or without God. He spoke to me that day through this devotional..."Rejoice in your insufficiency, knowing that My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). I wept.
I now believe that was the very beginnings of healing; of me, the broken clay in His hands. He came to meet me and used a dear friend as His instrument. I am praying for God to place on my heart who to pass this devotional onto when I have completed the year.
I sit here more than 9 months later still moving through this devotional on a daily basis. It is hard sometimes, to make time, even to just open my heart. The world has me back and has for awhile...I have to continually remember to to be of Him and not this world. Sometimes I discover that on my own and sometimes it takes the dark creeping in again...ready to swallow...and then my heart clutches His Word...holding on for dear life.
I remember at about 9 weeks after that day I wrote "This Valley". It was probably the first I had really felt like I was going to be okay, that I had emerged from the dark. A place where He was again putting me back together...all my broken pieces...and how it would not look the same, I was to never be the same because of His hands.
As I further reflect I discover again and again the beauty He made from ashes. I was a seeking mess before that day and had been praying for many things...the life of my unborn baby mixed with thankfulness that our family had been so blessed and a deep feeling that I needed to be brought from a place of selfish complacency into His Presence, to be molded into what He wanted not what I thought I was supposed to be to measure up in this world. He used this circumstance in my life to show me that I was still the clay and He the Potter. It is nothing short of beautiful.