Monday, March 21, 2011

The Bottom Line

Lots of deep thinking these days. Children growing at record pace and I feel I am losing touch. In love, I hold firm to the boundaries and expectations, even when it makes me the mean mom. I know it is best. I try to keep it consistent even when I would love to not pick this battle, but that child needs the consistency. Even the littlest one is out doing her age. Seems I was just saying all we have left of this stage is sippy cups and diapers...both are fading fast.

That is when I feel the pangs...of my heart...that doesn't feel done, that will always want more. Maybe it is not more of what I think...and maybe it is more of something else that is longed for. I thought it was fear guiding me away from what I thought more was. Most of me knows I am done bringing life into this world, I have to consider more than myself...my kids have endured this road with us regardless of their comprehension of it, the effect is still there.

It is hard to believe it has been almost a year. I remember even the otherwise insignificant moments before...

one year ago today was...
and today it dawned on me in 23 days it will be one year since...

Sometimes I still forget and I wake to what feels like a flutter...and how this house would be so different right now...it is so different now. So much that doesn't matter anymore and even more that does.

I know He has so much more for me, I feel it, even if I cannot see or even imagine it. Oh how I wish I would not have needed this journey to learn what I have learned but then I realize I might have missed out...I might not have seen or heard or let myself be loved like this...so that I could tell of this Great Love. Certainly not to make light of death...heavy it is for sure...but I know in my heart there is truth woven deeply into each step of this road, in a way that I still cannot put into words...someday.

Bottom line: Great Love...for you, for me, for all.




2 comments:

  1. hard days sneak up on us when we lease expect it. I don't think any mum who has experienced loss will ever fell complete with their family. Hugs for the rough days.
    take care

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  2. 23 days. I didn't realize until I read that. I will be thinking of you on our babies day. Hoping it finds us both with some peace and loving memories but knowing there will be a hundred other emotions wrapped up as well.

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