Thursday, March 31, 2011

My Security Blankie

I had one and only one blankie growing up. It was green, with satin trim; I fondly referred to the trim as tickles. I loved it to pieces, literally. It is in pieces, tucked away with other keepsakes in my basement. My blankie gave me warmth of course, more so it was my security.


Growing up, I thought a lot about God. Even before I knew much about Him; maybe it was because I did not know much about Him. I tried hard to put a face to that name. The thing about God that stood out to me or least the part I remembered being told most was that He was everywhere and knew everything about the world, about others, about me.


I don’t recall a moment when I finally had a picture in my mind of what God looked like but I vividly recall it being something like a blanket in the sky and He must have a bunch of heads in order to know and see everything. I sort of just tucked that image away and felt it was a sufficient form of faith. Curiosity would surface and when I could not quite figure out who God was, let alone His son Jesus…I just boxed it up neatly and put it away on a shelf.


I had burning questions, I knew many of the answers, but lacked the faith to let those Truths be alive in me. I tried, what began as a copy cat faith. I bought a new Bible and started buying books about faith, about God in marriage, parenting, in everything. I would pour through them. I devoured the insights, the tools to get to that place I wanted to be. I would get more books and soon I would immerse myself in a slew of faith inspired blogs. I began to notice that all this great insight, even God breathed guidance was becoming a stack of self help books collecting dust because I wasn't doing anything with it. But until I engaged with Him, became deeply intimate with Him, I would never really know the vastness of this Love, Grace and Mercy.


I tried to develop this relationship but I was struggling, doubt would enter in "do you really believe this?" Then I'd be swept away by Him through scripture and worship and the doubt would diminish. But it came back. Then life got rough. I would pray but with the idea {expectation} that everything would work out...like the next morning! I was less than patient. It was the beginning though of a chipping away of my hardened, all about me heart, an unlocking of sorts to open it to an intimacy like I have never known.


Then this immature faith was rocked. When decisions were too hard to make on our own we left them to Him...maybe a bit blindly saying "if this is what He has planned for us, we trust Him with it." I will tell you that when a series of loss began, I told God this is not what I meant. I am sure He hears that a lot. Then as I would walk that road not once more but twice; and before these subsequent losses occurred, I remember again telling God, "I trust you with this, all of this. No matter what." So when life breaks again, I was of course angry. My faith was tested for some time, but all that earlier seeking had built up this knowledge of who He was, it was etched in me, on my heart and even when it was so very dark, there was a spark, like a candle trying to stay lit in a breeze, not giving into force trying to put it out.


I am awe of this Love, Grace and Mercy. Trusting completely means even when life breaks, but in that knowing He will always be there, walking that road with me. He took these broken places in me where life was shattered in my mind and made them new...my faith was made new. He will always make beauty from ashes. I am still a sinner, I still fail and doubt still creeps in. But I feel armed now.


It covers me...like a blanket of warmth and protection. Seems this image of God as this blanket covering the universe was not too far off. For all, yet for me; Sometimes I just want to curl up in that security blankie and stay there for awhile. I love that He is that for me and for you!

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful words my friend! Thank you!

    P.S. I had a security blanket too! It was a greenish-blue blanket with satin trim and I wore out the inside of the blanket by constantly rubbing it while sucking my thumb. I would freak out when my mom would want to wash it. Now, all that's left is the satin trim and it's tied together in knots so that it would stay somewhat intact. It is now stored away in my parent's basement. Ahhh... the memories! That blanket was so comforting... thanks for the analogy! :)

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  2. I love your trusting faith, that no matter what shakes you, you know for a solid fact that He is not only there, but that he has a bigger plan, one for better things, even if those things may be reserved for a time beyond this one. Your faith inspires me. You are an amazing woman. I know much of this stuff in my head, but actually liking it is a struggle.
    Love you, my friend.

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