Monday, May 09, 2011

can I be her again?

Thoughts swim in my head and heart, they have for weeks;
But my fingers cannot quite tap the letters.

If they do you might see more of me, that you thought was all better.
That there were no lasting effects, that I had moved on.

You might figure out I am not perfect. That I raise my voice to my children.
The ones I cannot let go of because I fear.

Fear of them growing up, running in the street;
If I turn my back for a moment, they might be gone.

Fear that they may be taken too;
it has made me edgy and grouchy, holding on tight.

The day of mothers made that so clear.
I don't remember much of this day last year.

But the last and yesterday are bookends,
of the person I don't want to be.

I remember Truth that says I don't have to be perfect
I don't have be the world's idea of mom.

It feels like I have forgotten to love.
I lean and cling to the one who first loved.

I recall the feeling, the knowing I once had,
that this is who I want to be more than anything else;
I hope, I pray, I become more of her again today.

6 comments:

  1. Clinging to the "one who gives us hope." I love this post. It makes me feel not so alone in the motherhood thing. Yelling at my kids is something I am praying I'll do better at. Lowering stress levels is key for me!:) Thanks for you honesty!

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  3. Jen, so beautiful. I love your writings. The truth and honesty with which you write resonate in my heart. You are able to put the emotion of loss into perfect words. Thank you for sharing your truth.

    Erika

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  4. Thanks for stopping by my blog, Jen. :) I need a deep breath of surrender too... so often. I hope you get yours soon. And after reading this beautiful post... I hope it is a long, slow release into pure freedom. :)

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  5. Such an honest heart-cry. How often have I felt the same? That I've lost the center of myself in the midst of all this...life. To be like the One who first loved, this is to find my center. Thank you for this beautiful meditation, Jen.

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  6. This is so beautiful and touches me so deeply. I feel this too.

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