Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Deep

It's still there, different but there.

I can live and love and it stays tucked away.

Sometimes, I think I don't need those avenues of support anymore.

Then it smacks me in the face.

Sometimes it is at Target...

...I see the dad hunching into the car and he pulls a 1 year old from the car, lifts her up in the air and brings her in for a smooch and a hug...

...or the toddler holding mom's leg but peering just around the register calling out, hi, hi, hi...not stopping until I turn back to look and wave.

...or when I am shopping for the child we adopted for Christmas, a 13 month old girl.

Sometimes, it is when I hear another baby has died.

Sometimes, it is when babies are born and live.

Because babies still enter this world and live...but some don't. But there is hope and love wrapped up in all of it.

And when I again try to explain to my 3 year why she cannot go to heaven and bring Abigail back here.
In lip quivering tears she says, "but mama, I want to go to heaven but not stay there... I.JUST.WANT.MY.BABY.SISTER.HERE.WITH.ME."

All I can muster is "me too, honey, me too."

I feel weepy and thankful and angry and peaceful and cheated but held all at once.

I have chosen to keep it all, safely tucked away but to always, always remember. That can stir emotions many would rather not feel...but it cuts deep and I choose to feel it deep...so that I will always know.

Sometimes, when I feel I cannot remember her, all of them...I go back to read the cards and emails from those who have stood by us...those words help me remember...all of it but especially where to look.

When I do that all I see is Him. With her and them. I need that image right now...when it is hardest, that is what gets me through.

linking up to Heather's Just Write

4 comments:

  1. This is so beautifully written.

    {I'm so very sorry.}

    My heart is with you.

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  2. Jen, I wish I could hug, you and cry with you and listen and just be because I know we could both rest into just being with each other. I hear you, sweetness, I hear you loud and clear, every beautiful word. Because when I look at all of this -- the words and support and the love, all I see is Him. Him holding the babies I'm no longer carrying. Love you, dear one.

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  3. I found your blog on faces of loss, faces of hope. I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my baby, Lily Katherine, who was stillborn at fullterm on March 16, 2010. It's good to find people who 'get it' in the blogging community.

    This post is absolutely beautifully written. I relate to so much in it. I was meant to read it I believe. The same things happen to me at Target (where I always went when I was pregnant.)

    I go along for months doing well and then it hits me out of no where and the grief is so raw, like it was in the beginning. Thank you for this.

    And it hits me when babies die, when they live. I never know when it will come.

    I'd love to have you follow along on my blog as well; www.roseandherlily.blogspot.com

    -Hannah Rose

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