I have been thinking about this a lot lately. How we have made it through. We have endured the loss. Losses. Plural. Not just our babies, but hopes and dreams, and even before some of our marriage was lost.
It hasn't been easy. We had to find it again. Find each other again. Enduring months of quiet, only speaking as it related to our kids. But we persevered. I know we are better because of it.
Then we lost babies. Babies, we dreamed about. Each one different. With a different impact on our family, our marriage and our hearts. Nothing prepares you for how to respond to each other or to be there for each other.
I believe rediscovering us and our marriage 9 years ago and coming through that, laid a grace filled path of love and protection for what would soon follow. He was working in that, in us.
Initially, when the words were said, "I am sorry there is no heartbeat"-we cried. But then we had to tell people. Tell our children. That is hard stuff. Then onto the hard work of allowing ourselves to grieve, especially when others have moved on, the kids need feeding, carpooling and the laundry needs folding.
We grieve differently and we've discovered how true that is through this. We learned to give each other the time and space and so much grace. I remember when you would go coach baseball, I would think how can he coach when I am staring out a window sobbing. But I also remember how you just set aside your grief to take over caring for our family when I could not. How we would wake early, like 5 am...not able to sleep and we would just hold each other and cry in disbelief.
Yet things would get worse before better. I would go into the darkest place I think I have ever experienced. You never gave up on me...you just kept keeping our home, nurturing our children and protecting me from the outside that I struggled to face.
All this could have torn us apart. But we endured because His love endures.
Our hearts have healed so much and tough decisions have had to be made. Whether or not to do everything we could to find out why...knowing we may never know and then regardless, deciding whether to grow our family anymore. That is tough stuff...to say no to more makes me feel like our babies lives were for naught. Together we weighed it all. And decided no and that is a loss too. I still grieve that one often.
We are forever changed, forever yoked...touched by these sweet short lives...that when we see twins the age of Jessica or an empty swing in a snapshot of her or we both notice a baby/toddler girl at the right age that she should be. Or watching our 4 children play with little ones...we know someone is missing.
Thanks for walking this hard road with me...
Linking up with Joy at Joy in this Journey with Marriage Letters as we fight for our marriages.