Sometimes it happens while driving somewhere to run errands by myself.
Or the time it spilled out of me when the kids asked to do something with friends.
Fear. It cripples me sometimes. I have always had a tendency to be fearful, probably just because I struggle with anxiety.
It heightened dramatically after losing her . It more than crippled me then. It made me sick. While I was able to overcome that intense fear...their is a piece of it that has held on for dear life and follows me still.
I used to think having my kids off in different places...at a friend's house, basketball practice or what have you bothered me only because I have 4 kids and some days their comings and goings are a lot to keep track of.
But I am learning it is more about fear, that I cannot control what might happen to them. Because my eyes aren't on them.
In 2013, I chose AGAPE for my word for the year...instead of a list of resolutions. It was less about choosing it, really. I was content with Love...but for some reason AGAPE kept coming to mind. I realize now it was less about me loving others better, and more about me receiving God's love better, more fully for what it really is. Unconditional.
Agape (ah-ga-pay), is the word used for the love God has for us. It is unconditional, it does not expect anything in return, it loves even when we reject it. The love poured out on us through His son Jesus.
I spent a lot of time in 2013 just resting in this...and He met me there in ways I did not ever expect. I was on a break from a lot of things for a good part of that year. I had my reasons for it...but I now see the real reason.
2014 was nearing and I was starting to ponder a word for they new year. It felt so plotted, like by choosing a word, I was directing my path. I wanted it to be from Him. But not really. Fear of someone else directing, because then I don't have control.
Driving to the grocery store one day in December, no music on except for the sound of frozen snow packed road below me. I was dwelling on something one of my kids asked permission for. I don't even remember now what it was, just that is was nothing out of the ordinary. But this sudden feeling of anticipated doom came over me.
Like darkness that invades the noon sky.
I shouted out into the confined airspace of my van. "I just want to be free...of this constant worry"
I reluctantly, began to imagine what it would be like to be Free. The more I imagined the more peace that washed over me. Until I was afraid again.
I don't know exactly what Free will mean in this year. It is interesting to me that it seems directly aimed at my fears.
But you see that is how I know it is from Him.
Sometimes it is easier to be afraid even a little bit. Because freedom from that almost feels more uncertain. I like to know what to expect.
When something gets taken from you, especially over and over, you want to keep a grip on whatever might be next...cause we don't know what tomorrow will bring.
We don't know if that decision to let the kids do something is right, because what if.
If I let them hold off on homework one day, that it will be a downward slide of their grades. I fear that too.
If I finally forgive someone, I fear I won't be in control of those feelings. But isn't forgiveness suppose to free us, not instill fear.
Or when my faith feels right, you know when His presence feels so close and worship just flows from me...and that is when darkness invades and brings it's friend doubt and fearfulness of anyone finding me out overcomes me. After all I have been through, all He has brought me through, how could I doubt.
It may be a journey, not just confined to a year, just because Free is my word for 2014.
Christ came to set me Free from bondage no matter what yokes me there. Even fear. He came to bind my broken heart, no matter what broke it.
From Agape to Free...
So then; Why do I keep going back to fear? Held captive to it.
Because I know. Who the Son sets free, is free indeed. John 8:36