I would like to think I am my old self again, more than four years after. In so many ways, really most ways, I am. But loss and grief has affected a part of me I just cannot shake. Constant fear.
I make decisions and parent out of fear. I had no control over what I lost and it makes me fearful of what is next. I am not proud of this. It is mostly connected to my kids.
They ask to go do very reasonable things with friends and I cannot help but ask a ton of questions because once they leave to go do whatever it is they want to go do I cannot do anything about it...my eyes aren't on them. Swimming and biking freak me out the most.
Sometimes it takes my husband reminding me "He is almost 15..." or something like that. Then I realize my fears are unrealistic and that I cannot control everything.
I know that I constantly "preach" trust and faith in all things and here I am barely able to exhale because I live fear. Always afraid of the what ifs?
Sometimes I physically have to stop what I am doing and just breath; I have even pulled over my vehicle and just breathed. Focussing on the exhale, the deep and slow exhale. I would like to think that the fear leaves my body in that. For a time it does.
I have been on a quest to be free and trusting in the perfect love that casts out fears...There is an app for that...so I cling to Him and exhale.