Martymom's Musings

Found

2012-02-02T22:47:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling something is not quite right. Deep in my bones I know.

My soul whispers it.

I want to freeze the night, the time when all is quiet and I can maybe hear.

Discerning has never been my strength, doubt has. Even when the whisper is loud enough to be sure...I just don't know.

This longing seems big, seems impossible to fulfill; easier to ignore. Even run from.

Then it finds me; He does.

Subtly...so maybe I will discover it myself.

His word spoken from sacred pages, through song, out of the mouths of those around me...like a shout.

I melt and if it were safe to drive knees down, teary eyes closed and hands raised...I would have.

All this hunger and thirst is not for this world, but for Him.

I wanna sit at your feet

drink from the cup in your hand

Lay back against and breath,

hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,

it is more than I can stand.

I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

The More I Seek You~Kari Jobe

The Real Lesson in Having Less

2012-01-30T06:00:00.000-06:00

I have piles in my house, to be donated...the excess that is suffocating our home. It began this New Year with the prompting of Melissa's post which was inspired by Molly's Great Declutter Challenge. I am determined to get rid of 500 lbs of clutter.

I was moved to do this...in my first gathering of things, I purged over 100 lbs. Some items were able to be sold, most was donated. So today as January is coming to a close, I am continuing to weed our home of excess. I am amazed at what I am finding. When every bed has sheets and the linen closet is overflowing, we have too much. Plain and simple.

I have had plans such as this before, I get rid of stuff, but often used it as an opportunity to replace with more. The bottom line is we are a very busy family and don't have the time or space to deal with all the extra stuff.

This time is different. It is about living differently from others. It is about not buying into the pressure to have more, do more and be more.

We spend much of our free time [which is very little], getting things back in order, washing, folding, picking up dusting...while those things cannot be completely avoided...I am convinced having less of the things we don't have time for anyway can only help us spend less time keeping our house and more time making a home.

This is not about being a part of a movement and but more about being a good steward and teaching my children that our happiness is not found in the stuff that we accumulate but rather the relationships we build through time spent together without the interference of things.

Less gives us opportunity to be present more, to give more, to love more and to thank more.

Be, Give, Love and Thank.

Each other.

Him.

Treasured Magic

2011-12-10T20:19:00.000-06:00

Disney on Ice: "Treasure Trove." It was more than her eyes could believe. She was sad when it ended, but hasn't stopped talking about it since. We were fortunate to go thanks to tickets that I won on Samara's Blog. Thanks. Here are a few photos of our fun...I took nearly 200.

Deep

2011-12-06T00:05:00.001-06:00

It's still there, different but there.

I can live and love and it stays tucked away.

Sometimes, I think I don't need those avenues of support anymore.

Then it smacks me in the face.

Sometimes it is at Target...

...I see the dad hunching into the car and he pulls a 1 year old from the car, lifts her up in the air and brings her in for a smooch and a hug...

...or the toddler holding mom's leg but peering just around the register calling out, hi, hi, hi...not stopping until I turn back to look and wave.

...or when I am shopping for the child we adopted for Christmas, a 13 month old girl.

Sometimes, it is when I hear another baby has died.

Sometimes, it is when babies are born and live.

Because babies still enter this world and live...but some don't. But there is hope and love wrapped up in all of it.

And when I again try to explain to my 3 year why she cannot go to heaven and bring Abigail back here.
In lip quivering tears she says, "but mama, I want to go to heaven but not stay there... I.JUST.WANT.MY.BABY.SISTER.HERE.WITH.ME."

All I can muster is "me too, honey, me too."

I feel weepy and thankful and angry and peaceful and cheated but held all at once.

I have chosen to keep it all, safely tucked away but to always, always remember. That can stir emotions many would rather not feel...but it cuts deep and I choose to feel it deep...so that I will always know.

Sometimes, when I feel I cannot remember her, all of them...I go back to read the cards and emails from those who have stood by us...those words help me remember...all of it but especially where to look.

When I do that all I see is Him. With her and them. I need that image right now...when it is hardest, that is what gets me through.

linking up to Heather's Just Write

Twenty Years

2011-11-14T06:30:00.000-06:00

It is so hard to believe it has been twenty years since our first date. I was sure even then we would be together forever. I dreamed big. When I remember, I am in awe that watching 90210 and heading to 50's Grill for dessert on November 14, 1991 would become all this.

I remember all these twenty years, nearly 16 of them married, how we grew together and grew apart. Now bound so tightly that as sure as I was back then, I am even more sure now this was written long ago.

We are not into big celebrations...I anticipate dinner at home, watching some football game everyone is talking about and running our kids to their practices. It may not be glamorous story but it is ours.

Enough

2011-10-25T06:00:00.000-05:00

Usually I let the machine do the work. Even if there are dishes left over, I just wait until the dishwasher runs its cycle and then unload, reload, repeat.

Such is life...unload, reload, repeat.

Tonight though the desire to slow came without warning, as I stood hunched over stainless steel filled with dirty. I made room, filled the sink and soaked my hands in the water. Sitting at the well of suds I ponder what I see in the window in front of me.

Maybe it is just busyness and fatigue. Feels like more. Longer I gaze through glass into night. I keep saying what it missing. Feeling the flaws. I have time to really think it all...the big, the little, the not important at all.

unload. reload. repeat. over and over. but never enough.

One thing to the next...drive-thru diet coke, drive-thru hello, goodbyes, drive-thru prayers.

Everything can be done so fast now; on my computer, my phone...I don't have to stop and soak it in.

Need to soak it in...stillness

I crave something to calm the feelings...the day, the dreams, my words, my spirit...broken.

I try to steady it all with quick fixes...still thirsty...so thirsty.

I stared long and hard at the me longing for a quench like no other.

I place my tightly folded hands back in the water...living water...dreamily and I savor it.

"You are Enough"

I scarce can take it in.

Linking up with Heather #JustWrite

Sometimes I Mess It Up

2011-10-11T08:28:00.002-05:00

It is usually crazy busy here. We are rushing in the morning and again in the evening. We have few spare moments to breath, let alone do it right. My voice carries guiding them to do this and that; cause if we pause even for a moment we may not do it right. I try to teach so that they will be organized and not lose things. Life lessons, I think?!?!

All the time making sure they don't see my mess. That I don't have it altogether.

My clean laundry piled on my floor.

Papers strewn about the kitchen counters.

The inside of my purse...the black whole.

The tears stored up tight in the attic of my heart.

Where is the grace in that?

The messy that there isn't any time for. I just go go go, cause...someday their will be time for it.

It is said that we often extend the least amount of grace to those right inside our homes.

Yep, I am working on that.

linking up with Heather today #JustWrite

Her Own Style

2011-10-06T23:36:00.002-05:00

She has this thing about getting her outfits ready for daycare the night before.

I start to tell her maybe it's going to be too warm tomorrow or that it doesn't match.

{this is when you pick your battles, cause really does it matter?}

She emphatically states "But I have to wear this to see my friends,

so I need leggings under my skirt"

"Look at my beautiful clothes"

She's definitely our free spirit.

Amazing the life lesson in the freedom of expression through her clothing choices.

{okay,well maybe the red socks are a bit too ~~much~~ perfect}

Hat: Target, hand me down

Shirt: Hello Kitty, hand me down

Skirt: Gymboree, hand me down

Leggings: Target (but thrifted)

Socks: Gymboree

Linking up at the last minute to Small Style at Mama Loves Papa

Heaven Stands

2011-10-04T11:30:00.000-05:00

The words have been quiet here, but they are abundant

Spilling over the banks of my heart and soul

Unsettled and weary, yet gracefully okay
I swell with emotions I cannot explain
I come still and He gives them purpose

A tangled mess in my pit, unable to see the light

carefully He unravels it and somehow I get there

Resting, holding promise like a treasure to share

Linking up with Heather today-#Just Write

October: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

2011-10-01T23:00:00.000-05:00

photo credit

In the United States alone, 2,000 women lose a baby each day. The statistics are 1 in 4 women will experience the loss of a baby, either during pregnancy through miscarriage (less than 20 weeks), stillbirth (greater than 20 weeks) or early infant loss. Then there are those women who are the 1 in 4, who lose multiple babies.

My experience through pregnancy loss has been a process and the first 2 times it was diminished and swept under the rug by many including my physicians. Most recently, after my third loss, I could no longer keep it under the rug. It was through the faithful, loving support of many that I could find a path of healing. I cannot go back and take the knowledge I have now and change the course of events for me but I cannot keep it silent either. I have vowed to honor my babies by never letting someone else walk alone in this.

So today, on October 1, I remind you that October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. And specifically, October 15 is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Many will mark this month with candle lighting vigils, remembrance walks, balloon releases and more.

On my journey through this I was able to find many avenues of support.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, which started in the summer of 2010 after Kristin Cook's daughter Stevie was stillborn at 26 weeks, has been a wonderful way for women to share their stories...many fresh after the ultrasound screen gone still and many long years later when they finally are finding a voice to the pain they had hidden for so long. In these interwebs we find community in a club no one ever would choose to join, yet thankful for those who get it. I had the opportunity to share my story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope...tapping out "I am the Face of Repeat Miscarriage" on the keyboard was an important step in my healing.

The Missing GRACE Foundation has been serving families for 10 years. Founded by Steve and Candy McVicar after their daughter Grace was stillborn due to a cord issue. They longed to provide the support that they could not find. In those 10 years Missing GRACE has provided Crisis Care services in the hospital for families preparing to deliver their still babies or those who's babies are not expected to live long after birth. Someone to take pictures, video and help families with decisions and planning. They have also facilitated support groups for those who are grieving due to miscarriage, still birth and infant loss...as well as those struggling with infertility and adoption and pregnancy after loss. They have recently opened The Center for G.R.A.C.E. as the Foundation's permanent headquarters where they hold support groups, offer grief counseling, a library and a gift shop of beautiful items to honor and remember babies and so much more. I have attended the support group through Missing GRACE for more than a year and have built beautiful friendships with other women and their families...forever friends doing this life together.

There are many more organizations that support those who have experienced this type of loss, these are just two that have touched my life personally. Visit their websites for more information. Whether you know this kind of loss, know someone who does or just want to know more about how to support these organizations and the people they serve.

Remember with me!

I am From...

2011-07-22T00:07:00.005-05:00

I am from hand washing dishes, scrubbing bubbles and pine sol.

I am from Camden Ave. From the detached garage and the alley in back and from riding big wheels down the front steps.

I am from my green blanket and rainbow wallpaper.

I am from the marigolds, that scent still on my hands.

I am from the steadfast and humble, Chapman and Swenson and Puetz and Gordon.

I am from the raised voices and the grace. From eat your vegetables and clean your room.

I am from the pop up camper, nights by the fire, grasshoppers in a coffee can teetered then tottered.

I am from the public and private with green and gold plaid.

I am from the schools, Hayes, Jenny Lind, Olson, OLV and BCHS.

I am from Catholic and Methodist. From begging to go to church then skipping church for the golden arches.

I am from the city and the suburbs and from the English, German and Swedes.

I am from unpasteurized and powdered milk; from homemade donuts and cabbage hot dish.

From the sandbox ice cream parlor and summers with cousins in corn crib playhouses, weeks at the lakes Washburn and Coffin. From the men who farmed and built homes and machines all their days long and the women who made homes and nurtured.

I am from musty basements where yellowed pages of the story hide.

I am from He who was and is and has counted all my hairs.

I am using this template for a poem by George Ella Lyon
that I saw on Stephanie's blog.

Right Where I Am: 1 year, 1 month, 28 days

2011-06-10T20:05:00.010-05:00

Sometimes life slows just a bit and you realize that you have been in hiding. That this busy life makes it easier to keep going as if joy has fully returned and it is like nothing ever happened. I have been hiding.

Grief is private, we all do it differently. But I feel compelled to share this even one year, one month and twenty-eight days later because, you may be hiding, or someone you know may need your help, your love to come out of hiding. You or someone you know may not be grieving a child, a baby, maybe it is a job, a move, another loved one or a dream. Regardless it can be a long journey, even when He is right there beside you, carrying you. I know I am being carried.

To say I am still grieving though, is the honest truth; to say that my baby died, I let Jesus' peace envelope me and now it is like it never happened {the end} and we all live happily ever after...would be a fairytale...it is not over, the story He is writing {my life} is still unfolding.

It has been a roller coaster even still. The early days where I turned off the world, stopped enjoying any bits of life, stopped eating, couldn't sleep, was ridden with panic and now I suck up the world with a straw like a longed for fountain diet coke, because the world can be a temporary refuge...but I know it is not the sanctuary I long for.

That valley was a sanctuary, and I feared losing touch with it, with Him about this time last year...and here I am as if that were some strange bit of foreshadowing. To the world I am back, and mostly I am, but I've often gone backwards...sometimes just walking in the kitchen triggers memories of morning sickness, crossing the threshold of my patio door brings a slide show of the moments when the very fluid meant to protect her came pouring out of me with snippets of the screen gone still, her heartbeat gone still. How the times before were like any old day then because I was lead to believe it was nothing, they did not count. In my heart I knew they mattered but you know this world can be awful convincing or at the very least force you to hide.

I did not know.

But something happens when you deliver your lifeless child into the arms of Jesus. It changes you and makes you long for heaven like never before. It still hurts every single day just as it did one year, one month, 28 days ago and you still cannot pick up another baby without weeping inside. Oh, how your heart hurts something awful...like really physically hurts {I mean really hurts} because you still don't know what you're supposed to do next. How you long so deeply for something to bookend this trauma or have a clue as to what to do with it.

I reminisce how the deepest of that pit is where I found Him. Oh I knew where He was before but I mean really found Him...found him holding together every fiber of my being when it felt as though I was an irreparable mess. I see the Word of God like a balm on my wounded spirit, plastered with love, ginormous love that binds up the yuck of this life and that is what keeps me going. I tell you, there is a balm...

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

(credit)

This post was part of a project that was started by Angie at Still Life with Circles to share where we are in our grief after losing a baby.

can I be her again?

2011-05-09T07:14:00.004-05:00

Thoughts swim in my head and heart, they have for weeks;

But my fingers cannot quite tap the letters.

If they do you might see more of me, that you thought was all better.

That there were no lasting effects, that I had moved on.

You might figure out I am not perfect. That I raise my voice to my children.

The ones I cannot let go of because I fear.

Fear of them growing up, running in the street;

If I turn my back for a moment, they might be gone.

Fear that they may be taken too;

it has made me edgy and grouchy, holding on tight.

The day of mothers made that so clear.

I don't remember much of this day last year.

But the last and yesterday are bookends,

of the person I don't want to be.

I remember Truth that says I don't have to be perfect

I don't have be the world's idea of mom.

It feels like I have forgotten to love.

I lean and cling to the one who first loved.

I recall the feeling, the knowing I once had,

that this is who I want to be more than anything else;

I hope, I pray, I become more of her again today.

First Birthday in Heaven

2011-04-13T07:08:00.004-05:00

Today has come. As much as I wish I could bypass April 13 or even forget it all together, I cannot. What would that say about her all to short life?

As spring had been approaching, I felt it all coming back to me. Just as a I have always felt the memories surface of my living children's births as their birthdays approach.

The snow melted from the deck this spring and all I could see was this image...other than an ultrasound picture when she was still alive, this is the only picture I have.

Abigail Eden, I miss you so much. I miss standing in yoga pants and a tank top blow drying my hair, on the verge of throwing up and marveling at my baby bump...proof you had been growing.

I miss the flutters I know I felt shortly before you left my womb. I miss the bond we already had, the dreams I was dreaming and even the nausea.

I miss that you should be here starting solid foods and probably doing the army crawl across the carpet in the living room.

You had a big job to do in such a short time, I am certain of that now. You have changed me. The Lord used your life to speak truth to me and to give a voice to a pain I had hidden when I lost babies before you. I will never be silenced again about you or them, I promise.

Your beautiful life showed me the grace, mercy, peace and redeeming love of our God. I saw the beauty and promise of new life, an image He gave to me and I know you are safe and made perfect.

I promise to live differently and never let someone else walk alone in this kind of pain.

Whatever the future holds for us you will never be forgotten. I may not have your footprints on a piece of paper but they are imprinted on my heart, I know for certain.

Remembering you today. Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven, Abigail Eden!

Jessica Eve is 3

2011-04-10T18:40:00.002-05:00

In true copy cat fashion I am trying out interviewing my kids on their birthday...a couple other bloggers I follow have done this.

Today, Jessica is 3!

This morning she snuggled up next to me and I asked the following:

How old are you today? 3

What is your favorite color? blue

Are you having a party? yes

What is your favorite food to eat? breakfast

Who are your friends? Todd, Layne, Julia and Liam (our neighbors)

Do you think you will like being 3? no

Since you are 3 should you start staying in your own bed at night? Yeah sure

Do you have any brothers? Jared and Nathan

Do you have any sisters? Josie & Abigail (she very much remembers this)

Do you like music? Yes

What is your favorite music? Go Fish and Crocodile Dock, but they don't work anymore, they just go ah ah ah ah (her imitation of the skipping on the cd)

Do you go to church? yes

What do you like at church? donuts

What is your favorite movie? Rapunzel (Tangled)

What do you like to do outside? Play, slide and swing.

"Okay, time for my birthday bath!"

There you have it!

Here is a video of Jessica from age 2-3 years! What an unspeakable Joy she brings to this family!

Sometimes

2011-04-04T21:28:00.009-05:00

sometimes I wonder if she knows that she had a roommate who was knit just as she

in secret, fearfully and wonderfully fashioned by the Father

hairs counted too

He saw them both unformed, all their days determined in His book

sometimes I wonder if she knows that's an empty swing next to her

My Security Blankie

2011-03-31T07:23:00.015-05:00

I had one and only one blankie growing up. It was green, with satin trim; I fondly referred to the trim as tickles. I loved it to pieces, literally. It is in pieces, tucked away with other keepsakes in my basement. My blankie gave me warmth of course, more so it was my security.

Growing up, I thought a lot about God. Even before I knew much about Him; maybe it was because I did not know much about Him. I tried hard to put a face to that name. The thing about God that stood out to me or least the part I remembered being told most was that He was everywhere and knew everything about the world, about others, about me.

I don’t recall a moment when I finally had a picture in my mind of what God looked like but I vividly recall it being something like a blanket in the sky and He must have a bunch of heads in order to know and see everything. I sort of just tucked that image away and felt it was a sufficient form of faith. Curiosity would surface and when I could not quite figure out who God was, let alone His son Jesus…I just boxed it up neatly and put it away on a shelf.

I had burning questions, I knew many of the answers, but lacked the faith to let those Truths be alive in me. I tried, what began as a copy cat faith. I bought a new Bible and started buying books about faith, about God in marriage, parenting, in everything. I would pour through them. I devoured the insights, the tools to get to that place I wanted to be. I would get more books and soon I would immerse myself in a slew of faith inspired blogs. I began to notice that all this great insight, even God breathed guidance was becoming a stack of self help books collecting dust because I wasn't doing anything with it. But until I engaged with Him, became deeply intimate with Him, I would never really know the vastness of this Love, Grace and Mercy.

I tried to develop this relationship but I was struggling, doubt would enter in "do you really believe this?" Then I'd be swept away by Him through scripture and worship and the doubt would diminish. But it came back. Then life got rough. I would pray but with the idea {expectation} that everything would work out...like the next morning! I was less than patient. It was the beginning though of a chipping away of my hardened, all about me heart, an unlocking of sorts to open it to an intimacy like I have never known.

Then this immature faith was rocked. When decisions were too hard to make on our own we left them to Him...maybe a bit blindly saying "if this is what He has planned for us, we trust Him with it." I will tell you that when a series of loss began, I told God this is not what I meant. I am sure He hears that a lot. Then as I would walk that road not once more but twice; and before these subsequent losses occurred, I remember again telling God, "I trust you with this, all of this. No matter what." So when life breaks again, I was of course angry. My faith was tested for some time, but all that earlier seeking had built up this knowledge of who He was, it was etched in me, on my heart and even when it was so very dark, there was a spark, like a candle trying to stay lit in a breeze, not giving into force trying to put it out.

I am awe of this Love, Grace and Mercy. Trusting completely means even when life breaks, but in that knowing He will always be there, walking that road with me. He took these broken places in me where life was shattered in my mind and made them new...my faith was made new. He will always make beauty from ashes. I am still a sinner, I still fail and doubt still creeps in. But I feel armed now.

It covers me...like a blanket of warmth and protection. Seems this image of God as this blanket covering the universe was not too far off. For all, yet for me; Sometimes I just want to curl up in that security blankie and stay there for awhile. I love that He is that for me and for you!

In the Moments

2011-03-28T22:02:00.003-05:00

When I reminisce about the days when they were little, I remember the times we let the to dos go and we let loose. We'd all run through the sprinkler, crank the music, sing our hearts to a wooden spoon and dance like no one is watching. Little feet piled into our bed, sharing story after story, some from the shelf and some from the heart; as we finish each, they murmur "just one more, please." We slowed the hurry and we were in the moment.

Years later, life is more hurried, the big kids are bigger and we slow less. We slowed tonight. We started dinner late...with our teenager's iPod in the kitchen we danced and stirred food to a little Twisted Sister, Lynyrd Skynyrd and Taylor Swift. Dancing silly, singing loud...song after song. We slowed to be in the moment.

So often I am always doing to get to the next thing. So much so that all tasks become mindless. I hurry to complete and I miss the moment. The moment in all things to be thankful. As I race to the shower, making lunches, locating backpacks, drive, drop off...all life and all good and all worthy of thanks.

Thankfulness gives way to Him...to see Him in it all, right here, right now. Not surface thankfulness for all we have, but in each and every thing...to see Him and count it from Him. It is a life full. My life is full. These snippets of time are so full of grace.

Grace that wipes fresh the tone I used earlier with them...the crumbs, the dishes, the shoes piled by the door...I lost it. Living in the moment and living in this thankfulness calms my heart and calls me to see the gift of crumbs, dishes and shoes and more.

I count them:

25. Food that makes crumbs and dirties dishes.

26. Little, and not so little, feet that fill the mounds of shoes.

27. Music that brings out the child in each of us.

Inspired by Eucharisteo, the theme in Ann's book

One Thousand Gifts

On Waking Up-Fear Not

2011-03-25T14:17:00.005-05:00

I am linking up to The Gypsy Mama today for
Five Minute Friday: Waking Up

Each night I plan my waking up. I decide how and when it will happen. What I will do first.

A bullet point list in my head. Wake early before the others, have my quiet time, shower and ready myself for the day. Be cheerful for my family loving on them and putting their needs first. June Cleaver at her best I imagine or at least I hope for.

But what I wake to is fear. Fear that fatigues me before I even open both eyes. I am overtired, so I have already failed at waking up before the others. I talk to God while I continue to lay there but I don't really give Him all of me...it is sort of the drive-thru version. But I share my fear, my heart beating fast, even a bit of a sweat comes over me. I don't know how to do this life. How to keep going when so many pieces are so hard and they don't fit like they used to. I long for the innocence to return...heart and soul before their was pain. I get through because I keep doing. When I stop, much like in those early hours as I wake , it gives too much time to think, to remember, to wonder and to hurt all over again.

I beg strength from my weakness...for the Light to meet the dark. Then like clockwork, Hubby lips say goodbye for the day, little lips murmur "good morning, Mommy, I want to snuggle you" and older lips say "Mom what's for breakfast" and thankfulness quiets my restless waking into hope of the new day because...

I know He is my Light and my Rescue, I shall fear nothing. (Psalm 27:1)

The Bottom Line

2011-03-21T22:49:00.007-05:00

Lots of deep thinking these days. Children growing at record pace and I feel I am losing touch. In love, I hold firm to the boundaries and expectations, even when it makes me the mean mom. I know it is best. I try to keep it consistent even when I would love to not pick this battle, but that child needs the consistency. Even the littlest one is out doing her age. Seems I was just saying all we have left of this stage is sippy cups and diapers...both are fading fast.

That is when I feel the pangs...of my heart...that doesn't feel done, that will always want more. Maybe it is not more of what I think...and maybe it is more of something else that is longed for. I thought it was fear guiding me away from what I thought more was. Most of me knows I am done bringing life into this world, I have to consider more than myself...my kids have endured this road with us regardless of their comprehension of it, the effect is still there.

It is hard to believe it has been almost a year. I remember even the otherwise insignificant moments before...

one year ago today was...

and today it dawned on me in 23 days it will be one year since...

Sometimes I still forget and I wake to what feels like a flutter...and how this house would be so different right now...it is so different now. So much that doesn't matter anymore and even more that does.

I know He has so much more for me, I feel it, even if I cannot see or even imagine it. Oh how I wish I would not have needed this journey to learn what I have learned but then I realize I might have missed out...I might not have seen or heard or let myself be loved like this...so that I could tell of this Great Love. Certainly not to make light of death...heavy it is for sure...but I know in my heart there is truth woven deeply into each step of this road, in a way that I still cannot put into words...someday.

Bottom line: Great Love...for you, for me, for all.

Broken and Beautiful

2011-03-04T21:54:00.015-06:00

Five Minute Friday: Writing Prompt

When I look in the mirror I see.....

Gray that shimmers in the brown. Feet of a crow circle my eyes. It has been a long tired road. Motherhood marks that flank my body. Stretched out, beaten up, broken hearted. Glued back together, brought back anew like beautiful dropped and fallen to pieces. Put back together with care...piece by piece and where they don't fit perfectly it is fashioned fresh with the glue that fills the voids.

The Glue, The Balm

His Love poured out Through His Word

Imprinted on my heart like love stitched into a quilt

Me Made to be...

broken

to be beautiful

I see His mark on me forever

Counting Gifts

2011-02-17T07:16:00.005-06:00

So often thankfulness is forgotten in the big and the little things. What would it do for me, for us, for this world under Him to give thanks in all things. As insignificant as they may seem in the moment, those very things are working for good from Him.

Some have found thankfulness to come easy, but for me it has taken this journey through this life and all the places I have walked to come into this place of giving thanks in all circumstances. Yes in all. Sometimes I am blurred to the gifts right here, right now and He calls me to look to Him and it begins to spill out of me.

Even in the midst of regrets, despair, grief and frustration and even in the days that are filled with easy peasy, mundane experiences there are gifts and Joy can fill me and you!

Will you count gifts too, I dare you...to count One Thousand Gifts.

#1...warm sunshine penetrating the cold

#2...a multitude of verses of His love

#3...peaceful bedtime

#4...productive workdays

#5...friends who help in a pinch

#6...vehicles to get us where we need to go

#7...beautiful spring-like sunshine

#8...clean laundry

#9...faithful teachers of His Word

Thankfulness

O give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
His steadfast love endures for ever!

Psalm 118:1

Potter's Hands

2011-02-06T17:26:00.010-06:00

***The Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope writing challenge this month was to reflect on something a friend or family member did after the death of my baby. This is just one, honestly I could write a book on the ways to come alongside someone who is grieving a loss...I was so blessed by the compassion of others and see now how that too was molding me.

In the first several days after that day I was seeking and I could not find. I knew that I had not forgotten the Truth but oh how I could not feel it. I could not feel Him. I wrote and spoke openly about this.

A dear friend was looking for a book on her shelf and saw the devotional she had and later that day she handed it to me and shared that she felt like she was supposed to give it to me. She even marked a specific day's devotion that she felt was fitting to where I was.

The devotional was Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. In short, the author began to wonder if she could receive messages from God in her time spent with Him in the Word. Her daily journaling went from "monologue to dialogue." The daily devotions are more than words on a page to be read, they are words from Jesus straight to me and you.

This spring, it will be a year since I began the devotional...The devotion my dear friend had marked I read when she gave it to me and it was Jesus telling me His peace is there even amidst the trying to figure it all out. I definitely needed those words. It took me a few days to get in the habit again. April 30...I was laying in bed, the kids had no school, and I honestly wanted to stay there all day. I decided to open the devotional...I had begun that morning feeling like I had nothing in me to give to the world, myself, my family...I had failed...again. I did not even really have the drive to do anything with or without God. He spoke to me that day through this devotional..."Rejoice in your insufficiency, knowing that My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). I wept.

I now believe that was the very beginnings of healing; of me, the broken clay in His hands. He came to meet me and used a dear friend as His instrument. I am praying for God to place on my heart who to pass this devotional onto when I have completed the year.

I sit here more than 9 months later still moving through this devotional on a daily basis. It is hard sometimes, to make time, even to just open my heart. The world has me back and has for awhile...I have to continually remember to to be of Him and not this world. Sometimes I discover that on my own and sometimes it takes the dark creeping in again...ready to swallow...and then my heart clutches His Word...holding on for dear life.

I remember at about 9 weeks after that day I wrote "This Valley". It was probably the first I had really felt like I was going to be okay, that I had emerged from the dark. A place where He was again putting me back together...all my broken pieces...and how it would not look the same, I was to never be the same because of His hands.

As I further reflect I discover again and again the beauty He made from ashes. I was a seeking mess before that day and had been praying for many things...the life of my unborn baby mixed with thankfulness that our family had been so blessed and a deep feeling that I needed to be brought from a place of selfish complacency into His Presence, to be molded into what He wanted not what I thought I was supposed to be to measure up in this world. He used this circumstance in my life to show me that I was still the clay and He the Potter. It is nothing short of beautiful.

The Big Boo-Boos

2011-02-01T23:48:00.010-06:00

Before children I knew there would be difficult days. The sleepless nights, the endless toys, laundry and diapers...cleaning up vomit, crayons from the walls and spilled sugary milk from breakfast. I was prepared for that.

The bigger stuff, I don't think I could ever be ready for. The stuff that takes an otherwise normal day and catapults me into the "oh my gosh this cannot be fixed with a band aid and a kiss" kind of day.

The waves of regret pounding my heart. Questioning all the guiding and teaching. Was I too selfish? Was I working so hard to help them be so good to others I forgot to teach them to be good to each other? Did I not offer them the same Grace He so freely gives me? Did the broken days our family endured have a part?

There are parts of me that blame so deeply.

Knowing that it requires help but taking that leap is like wearing my heart

{my weak places} on my sleeve...and that may show me not so buttoned up as I would prefer to appear.

Night falls, the chaos sleeps...we made it through. Peace fills me briefly and the night feels more like mercies new. Then as quickly as light fills the room in the morning so does the reality...that this cannot be fixed with a band aid and a kiss.

I'm trying to uncurl from this fetal ball, stand tall in faith, but lean because I serve Him by serving them {advocating for them} this side of Heaven.

Raising my White Flag

2011-01-28T07:13:00.003-06:00

As 2010 came to a close, resolutions seemed so insignificant to me. I certainly could use some better habits...but I knew there was something more. A word to define the coming year...

Soon, I realized I was trying to hold the wheel once again...a word for me...I was trying to steer my plans for the next 365 days.

Several days, even a couple weeks past and each time I pondered this it became clearer...He and I had the same word but it was to be defined by Him, only Him.

Surrender

....control of that which I could never really control anyway.

....desire to have all the answers, even still.

....anger that only recently emerged
which grew quickly taking the smoldering loss,

spreading it like wildfire.

....my cluttered mind...I need space to really live again.

....to the rain
letting Him wash away the incomprehensible.
{Rain by Sara Groves}

....all the holes in my heart, my soul
allowing them to be lenses to see what
I could not see with my own eyes

Most of all surrender
to the fallen, broken, ugly pieces
taking all that He gives
going wherever He leads

Can I live with that? How can I not?

Surrendered, I Stand

So I'll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

I'll stand

My soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am is Yours

{The Stand, Hillsong United}

10 {or more} best of 2010

2011-01-06T21:47:00.025-06:00

Visit Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry for more You Capture Posts.

I began a mission in 2010 to capture more life, beauty
and the unexpected through the lense.

Through that lense everything became more beautiful {even in the mess},
less complicated and not so hurried.

Sparklers on New Year's Eve

My 3 little birdies-flying high

Silly Sister Faces

One of the most peaceful places I have been to on this Earth.

Post Game entertainment at Target Field

"Whispers from Heaven"

Beautiful-Motherhood

Proud Gymnast

Brother & Sister-good friends

"A NICE sunny Day"

Free Spirit

A life too short, but a life lived

Daddy snuggles

Simplicity

You Capture-Holiday Favorites

2010-12-30T20:48:00.021-06:00

opened gifts waiting to be taken home

Nephew, I think he likes what he sees!

Christmas Day Snow Fun

Josie playing her part in the Church Christmas Musical.

Jessica playing with her V-tech Reader

Cousins showing off new handmade jammies from Grandma

"Look, Santa brought me new Minnie Jammies"

Cannot get over how grown up he looks

Pyramid of Cousins

Some of my Holiday Favorites as part of Beth's You Capture link up this week.

Good Reads to slow you down for His coming...

2010-12-19T14:14:00.002-06:00

I find so much encouragement in so many who write for Him in this cyber world. I thought I would share a few links to help you slow down as we wait for Him...enjoy!

A gift worth giving, a life worth living -It is the time together that will be the memory.

More Room for Jesus - A great reminder to look where your life or home is too crowded.

Jesus is the gift -The only gift I want.

Honoring who He is this Christmas... What a great family activity to help remember the reason for the season.

"Wrapped in Promise"

2010-12-04T21:49:00.010-06:00

I have spent all day at home and I had big plans for getting so much done. I did a few loads of laundry, picked up a little, swept all the sand and salt from the front entry, took care of my sick 2 yr old and crocheted a little. It wasn't what I planned though.

Most of my day was spent feeling it...the weight of all that has gone wrong, all that is still not right after all this time, all that needs to be done and how I just still do not have my mothering, wifely and homemaking mojo back. How I have been feeling this for some time...but I pretend and hide. Time heals they say and it does but the time is different for each of us. So I can hide safely from many because...it has been enough time...and...I fake it pretty well.

A day at home, laid back, brings it back. I have been pouring myself into other things to hide. All good things but it made for a good excuse to not be who I know I am and want to be at home.

I feel the loneliness, sadness and grief (yes still). It doesn't mean I don't know and feel that Eternal presence that is always with me...but I am human and it still hurts deep.

These feelings have been clawing their way out, not spoken but at least needing to be written. I have tried for some time. Today, I'd type a few and then I'd nervously crochet a row on a scarf I am making for my toddler. I'd hide again, even when no one was looking.

I have faith, that has never been in question. If anything I lack the patience in this instant gratification world to wait upon the Lord. To take that hope that is within me and wait and be renewed (Isaiah 40:31).

I cannot hide anymore...I have done it before in past trials, isolated myself and absolutely no one knew and when they don't know...they cannot call upon Him for you {with you}, they cannot lend you hope, faith and trust when you cannot find it.

But I have been blessed by letting people in and in being let into others and what we have to do and be for each other. In that doing and being, is some sense of purpose and certainly of promise that "a thousand things are happening in this one thing."

I leave you with some lyrics that inspired me and reminded (and promised) me that He is working in this...even after all this time

But in spite of the ache that doesn’t go away

You’ll be sharing your story one rainy day

And at the next table somebody catches your words…

...You didn’t know

A thousand things are happening in this one thing

Like a thousand fields nourished by a single drop of rain

So honey, wrap yourself in promise

while you wait the morning light

A thousand things are happening tonight
But in the midst of the most exquisite pain…
…the praises you sing of a sovereign God reach the girl

whose last hope is gone

she never thought there was purpose in anything here

now the seed has been planted and it’s taking root there

You didn’t know

…A thousand miracles you’ll have to wait and see

"A Thousand Things" by Christa Wells

***Updated to add a link to Christa Wells website and you can hear the Frame the Clouds cd for yourself...my new fave.

Love Come Down

2010-12-02T07:05:00.008-06:00

This time of year the excitement builds as if it is happening for the first time right here and now. The top story on the 10 pm news. Caesar Augustus has called everyone in for a census. Breaking news each day about the journey to Bethlehem. Obviously, the story did not unfold all those years ago on the evening news, instead the Angels told of His Birth.

We can still be waiting with eager anticipation after all these years. It seems that this love come down in the form of a lowly infant can capture me all over again. Babies, naturally bring a calm over people. A moment (hopefully more than that) where all seems right with the world.

There are many struggling this season. Illness, death, the economy, divorce and more can cause us to lose sight of "Emmanuel, God with us." But this love that has come for us can break through the hardest of hearts and carry us through these times.

I journey and wait like a shepherd or a wise men, wanting to see this that has been told to me. Reminded of this Holy Covenant promised of old. A Mighty Savior raised up for us. (Luke 1:67-80) I never tire of reading this.

When I become lost I look for that star that leads the way back to the manger, a simple babe come to save us. I wait with a wounded, but open heart to continually receive this love come down.

Changed by His Glory

2010-11-28T21:57:00.008-06:00

Thankfulness looks different to me this year.

It has been a hard year. I can reflect though and see all the moments that were grace filled and ordained by Him.

While I am of course thankful for food, shelter, clothes, vehicles, jobs, even a good haircut and an occasional mocha and a french manicure...I would trade it all in to have the story {my story} be different. But it is His story.

I am so thankful for the moments before anything went wrong that God placed it on my heart to pray for her life each and every day. Not only did it get me through those fear filled weeks, but it also began deepening my relationship with Him, one that I struggled to have but had desired for a long time.

I am thankful for the community of people in our lives that surrounded us and took care of us when we could not. The meals, prayers, company when I could not be alone, the ones who remembered special days with a card or plant and special gifts that help us remember.

I am thankful for the wisdom and strength He gave me to ask and even demand things I had the right to have and do.

I am thankful for my husband, who put aside his grief to hold our family together when I was good for nothing but staring out the window. And for my children who kept going and growing and gave hugs when they did not know what else to do. For my 2 year old who reminds me nearly everyday that Abigail is with Jesus and that they are having so much fun. We have always told her Abigail is with Jesus but she tells us all the time what they are doing and what things look like. What a gift of peace.

Although this is not a club anyone would want to be a part of, I am so thankful for the connections and friendships I have made through this year because of loss. Someone else who gets it when you sit in a puddle of tears even more than 7 months later.

This journey has taught me so much about life. I have said before that I live differently now. I am forever changed and the opportunity for authentic relationships to build has been amazing both with Jesus and people on this earth. I live and love more deeply.

I am so thankful for God's beautiful creation. Nature is something to behold. I have come to find immense healing in the fact that if God can make this earth so beautiful despite the yuck than how could I ever doubt the beauty He can make from ashes.

I am thankful for the Hope we have in Christ and the promise of everlasting life...it helps to know that my babies and all who have gone before us are living that promise.

This year, the greatest blessing in disguise is being forever changed by His Glory.

*This post is my submission for the
Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope November Writing Challenge*

Glory Revealed

2010-11-07T20:49:00.017-06:00

The holidays are quickly approaching and I feel it. Thanksgiving will always be difficult as 3 years ago November 26 we learned Jessica's twin had died. I also cannot help but think about Abigail and that she should be here right now. I see babies and I swear I can feel and smell my babies in heaven. They both hold a huge place in this family. It probably is not visible to all...but we know and He knows.

We talk about them a lot. Today while shopping with my 9 year old Josie we saw Christmas ornaments with names on them. Sure enough they had one with Abigail. I felt my heart skip a beat and I think Josie's did too. Josie then began asking about Jessica's twin and what we would have named the baby if it was a girl and if it had been a boy. You see we don't know. I asked the Dr. to look on the ultrasound and he said it was not possible. I have since learned it is but I cannot go there. It has forever nagged on me and just when I think I feel some peace, it is back. It is back asking what kind of mother would not demand for answers such as this? Yes I have thought this and even said it out loud to myself. I did not know what I was supposed to do. I wasn't able to deliver that still life from inside me because I had to keep growing Jessica. I grieved for a short period of time and then I moved on, although I thought about how there should be 2 of everything, just about everyday since then. I think the Lord protected me and Jessica at that time. It wasn't until losing Abigail 2.5 years later that I really dealt with all of it. Still dealing with all of it.

How my body can stop being able to sustain life.

How to honor the memory of a child you weren't able to name...we have to tell Jessica one day.

How each day I have to beg for His help to make it through. It is definitely easier than months ago, but it is still hard.

How I need His help, because I still need to be a mom; Jessica's twin and Abigail have a place in my heart but these people need me now!

How to feel such loss and gain all at once...because oh my goodness I have lost so much but I am so blessed!

How to be sure that just because we feel we need to be done having children that does not take away the impact our babies in heaven have had on us. {forever changed}

How I need Him to help me so I take care of this too...

How to keep giving thanks in all circumstances...

I may not have my babies here to hold but their lives, albeit short; had a purpose...this I know.

He has made Himself known to us like never before.

That is Glory Revealed!

Hallelujah

2010-11-03T21:58:00.008-05:00

from deep it emerges-the soul ache

I take my soul in my hand, along with my heart, I see the pain still within me. I see where I have been, not just recently but the entire journey. Feeling the sting, longing for dreams lost, detours in the path. I remember how sometimes the Lord has me take the long way to get where I am going, where He is leading. I take notice of roads that ended abruptly and I fantasize of how it could have been different, I try to paint it differently. I know I cannot...but what next.

I cry out...

"Jesus, please come, please come today.

Heal me, hear me, be near me, I pray...

break me, mold me, use me, I pray"

(Hallelujah by Heather Williams)

I ask each day, wonder why I must...He takes my heart and soul in His hands and he wipes the tears and does away with my iniquities...then I know I must...yes, ask each day.

It is how I am able to rise to each new day...His mercies new. Only because they are new each day. It is the tender compassion of our God.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

___________________________________

deep cries out

Hallelujah

How Precious did that Grace Appear

2010-10-31T18:56:00.006-05:00

I never really got the concept of grace.

We were high school sweethearts. Even before that first date I knew...at the age of 17...he was the one I was going to marry. I am sure I am not the first to be so sure. Right, ladies?

He made me feel so important and so special. He took care of me and my heart. After 4 years of waiting we married. I had it all planned out, every detail. Only we forgot to invite the most important guest. Thankfully, the Lord is good at wedding crashing. I may not have realized it then but He did. {Grace}.

We built our life, started our family...1, 2 and then 3. We did not include Him...but He was there. {Grace}

Soon it became clear this life we had built together was crumbling...the foundation was weak. We almost lost everything. We were ready to bulldoze the whole thing. He wouldn't allow it. {Grace}

Slowly, we rebuilt, rediscovered and reconnected with each other and Him. {Grace}

Soon we would endure a series of loss, while adding one more to our family, we never imagined and each time I feared we (our marriage) wouldn't survive. Only it did, it has because of the rock on which we stand. {Grace}

How precious did that Grace appear.

Emily over at Chatting at the Sky has spent the entire month of October talking about Grace. Proof that it cannot be summed up in a dictionary definition. As this series comes to a close she has asked us to share some words on Grace...be sure to visit her blog, sit down with your favorite coffee or tea and read up...you will be blessed.

When You Don't Know Which Way to Go

2010-10-22T09:56:00.012-05:00

I have this pretty plate in a stand on my kitchen counter. I used to write something different every few days...a quote, scripture and even gentle loving reminders to my family. About 6 weeks ago I wrote "Follow Me" Mark 1:17. It is our theme for the year at church. I have not even thought to change it.

A constant reminder when I do not know which way to go, in the kitchen, in life...He says "Follow Me." When my heart and soul are weary, aching and down right sad...He still says "Follow Me." When life is good and really it is always good in Him. But when things seem unscathed and I am treading safely above the water...He still wants me to follow Him.

In all those times He says "Follow Me"...will you follow through?

Where I belong...

2010-10-07T21:21:00.008-05:00

Sometimes driving with my kids in the van and the noise is just too much. {mom's I know you know what I mean} You cannot concentrate or think straight. There is no off switch...oh I wish there was an off switch.

I feel that way about the world too. Grief, as ugly as it was, brought me to a place where I just shut the world off for awhile...it was easy then. Even if they did not know what to say or do people just let me be...I hated the place I was in but loved the quiet. I tuned out the world...at first I relived those moments, analyzed them, questioned everything even Him. It has taken all this time {6 months this week-yes I still count} to realize how that time was used to get to know Him more...just as He desires.

I cannot turn the world off forever...in fact it is already back on and it is so much harder to find Him...does that make any sense? I have struggled with this feeling for months as I have returned to "normal", whatever that is. I do see Him in the good of this world...in every detail of my life, but time with Him has become scarce again and I don't like it. I am thirsty for the seeking, finding and resting in His arms-where I belong.

"To sit at Your feet

At Your table of mercy

To gaze on Your beauty, my Lord

To drink from Your well

And be changed by Your glory

How could I ask for more

Jesus how could ask for more."

(In Your Arms, Meredith Andrews)

Seasons Change, People Change

2010-09-19T20:14:00.008-05:00

*This is my post for the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope Monthly Writing Challenge .*

The leaves began changing a couple weeks ago and it made me realize just how fast time has gone since she left. This time, these seasons that were to be such a part of her growing inside me have come and gone like a fast moving storm. One that could have left destruction in its path. Only it didn't. Just like a tornado that leaves its mark in miles of cornfields then inexplicably lifts up before it can level a 100 year old church; grief left its mark and it is doing things in me I cannot even comprehend yet.

Last spring, as much as I dreaded the thought of being pregnant the entire summer, I told myself it is just a season and it would be worth it. Pregnancy often feels like it drags on. I told myself this time I would not complain. After having already been through loss, you learn some patience and appreciate the waiting, even when it is hard. It changes you.

So here I sit with fall looming...just days away...summer's end is in sight. Just as the end of my pregnancy would be in sight. Only it's not. It is hard to think about what I would be doing. I am trying hard not to actually. Someone said to me recently that I say things with a lot of shoulds and woulds. I am sure there is data that says the dwelling on the shoulds/woulds is not healthy and probably keeps us from moving forward. I believe though that the human spirit and all that life brings is much like the seasons. It knows when to come and when to go. It may get a a little mixed up from time to time. Like Minnesota not getting a drop of precipitation in March. Grief is a season and it knows its coming and going. It may dwell for awhile...hit a dry spell or rain down like a monsoon but it too will pass. With it will come the peace that He ordains at just the right time like rain in a parched land.

Although we cannot know what a season will bring us precisely, seasons change, we can count on it and sometimes because of it we change. What besides fall is around the corner? I cannot predict or even presume I know; but what I can say for certain is that He will be by my side because He never changes.

I Still Come Undone

2010-09-09T22:28:00.006-05:00

It will be 5 months this coming Monday. Honestly, it still seems like yesterday. God has healed my heart in many ways and He is still working {and so am I} on the rest. Parts are still very raw. Just when I think I am all put back together, I come absolutely undone. The moments are far less frequent than before but way more penetrating. I wonder when will I stop hurting everytime I see a newborn or a pregnant mom due any day...cause that would {should} be me. My due date was supposed to be October 3. 24 days from today. Now I know the likelihood that she would have been born on that day is slim. But it is still a day you long for. And 24 days before that day you are feeling as if you cannot go on being pregnant any longer. I would give anything to be playing that waiting game right now. To not sleep, to clean closets and scrub woodwork at 2 am to prepare the nest. I should be in that story. But I am not.

For whatever reason her life was suppose to be what it was {what it is}. I am grateful for that time, no matter how short. He began a work in me while she was still growing...a work that called me to trust, trust like I have never have before. Because I feared, because of the past. Even though somedays I feel it get me right in the gut, that trust that I placed in Him, handing my baby over to Him each and everyday was real. But I never imagined having to let go of her and I would give anything to rewrite the story. But I am not the author.

I am convinced that grief causes physically pain. I have experienced it. In the first several weeks it was true physical heartache. Yes my heart hurt with emotion...but there was definate physical pain as well. Lately, that pain has moved...my arms now ache. I have had this dream a lot lately. I am delivering her but she is whole and her freshly birthed flesh is being placed in my arms. I see her face and what I find most comforting is that face, and body looks just like the whole beauty He showed me when I held her weeks after she went to be with Him. Beauty for Ashes -Isaiah 61:3. In the morning as I wake I often close my eyes just a little longer to see her again.

Sometimes I am angrily begging, "Lord, redeem this now."

I come close to presuming what will be made right in this...I have said before that I have seen glimpses in the way He is connecting me to others, using me to help others...I don't know what it means and I won't pretend that I do. But I cannot deny though, that I wish I did. I am human, this is me...the raw, real me.

I don't know if October 3 will come and go and mean everything or nothing? Maybe just this first time it will mean something. I do know that April 13 will always be carved in my heart. But still I am afraid for October 3. I have been told by many, those that have been through it and those whose life's work is to help us through it; that it is going to be hard. I have chosen to get away with my hubby for that weekend. Escaping the world for some soul healing quiet, nature, and rest. A time to come undone from the shoulds and woulds...He is bigger and He longs to make me whole.

Letting Go of the Pieces of Broken

2010-08-29T21:52:00.006-05:00

I have pieces still in my hands. Pieces of broken. I think I am still in control. That I can fashion them back together and make them what they were supposed to be. I have resisted leaving them all at His feet. Oh I have set them down, begun to walk away in utter trust. But then I tip toe back as if He doesn't see and I pick up the pieces. The ones I am not ready to part with yet. Pieces that fit perfectly into my heart. If I hang onto them, it is like she is still here.

The broken places are sometimes easier to navigate...as if I know who and how to be. But hanging onto the broken is cutting too deep; diverting the healing that has begun. I must relinquish the pieces and replace them with His guiding hand. The hand that says "I am here, always by your side." I remember, He has put back together my broken before. Can I not imagine {even expect} that He will indeed piece this together {even for good}? He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).

So I live ever close to Him, even when it is hard to feel. Trusting, day by day despite the disorderly heap of feelings that sweep over me and the dark that sedulously tries leading me to anger and doubt. That in those broken moments I may have a breath taking, thirst quenching moment with Him. That which reminds me to keep trusting, keep running the race and to not grow weary.

The Reel Deal

2010-08-25T22:31:00.007-05:00

I remember sitting at my desk in American History. We were taking a big unit test. Lots of vocabulary. I had already completed the oral part of the exam...reciting the "Gettysburg Address". I did well on all of it in large part because as I was reciting I could picture the words as they were written on the page in the text book. Just as I pictured the vocabulary words in the glossary. Even a multiple choice question would prompt me to see where the information was either in my notes or in the text book. It is kind of nerdy, I know.

I still have quite the photographic memory. Only it is not necessarily helping me to excel or achieve. If anything, it is holding onto me, even holding me back. I still see every moment of that day and even many of the days that followed. They play in my head like a silent movie, mostly black and white with splashes of color. Red that still stains my bathroom grout. Mauve plastic where they put her. Bright pink hand knit beauty in which I held her.

It may seem morbid, but it is what it is. A piece of my life and my heart. How do I hold on without letting it hold me back? So much of life is back to normal. But something grabs me and drags me back down in the quiet and dark, when everyone else slumbers it invades my thoughts and pulls me back to the despair. I crave the quiet even though it can be laden with fear of never being the same, guilt that my body failed, anxiety of what the future holds and doubt that any of this can be worked for good.

Though in the quiet is where I also find Him. He is waiting with open arms to carry me when it is just too hard. When the lies begin to pierce my shield of protection and I cannot release the hold of the destroyer...He swoops down and lifts me out of the pit, on wings like eagles. In that moment I soar with heart and eyes wide open. I see a different movie and it reminds me; not of what was or could be, but of what is. The Truth. That this world is broken, oh so broken but He and His promises are perfect, oh so perfect.

I am the Face of Repeat Miscarriage

2010-08-08T18:34:00.005-05:00

I wrote my story of pregnancy loss for posting on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.

Jen

Mom to baby, miscarried at 7 weeks, June 21, 2006

Mom to baby, a twin lost at 20 weeks, November 26, 2007
Mom to Abigail Eden, miscarried at 15 weeks 2 days, April 13, 2010

Maple Grove, MN

My story begins with 3 very normal, healthy by the book pregnancies. I remember reading the miscarriage chapter in all the pregnancy books, but I said that wouldn’t be me and if it was I would be just fine...

Click here to read more

Never Taken Away

2010-08-04T19:03:00.010-05:00

I couldn't walk close at first. He whispered "come away with me." I wanted to, but couldn't. I tried but He felt so far away. How could He be near when so much had been taken from me.

I longed to be closer to Him for much time, even years before anything had been lost. I tried, it felt foreign. I prayed and it would bring doubt. How could this be? I could not make sense of His Word. I did not know how to have this relationship that seem so central to living but I had a deep desire for it nonetheless. I just knew there was more. More of Him, less of me and the world.

Through the sleepless nights, the dark and despair He felt far. Yet there was a bond that nothing would sever. I knew it. Eventually my wails gave way to His call. "Come away." He did not stop calling me even when I did not answer. Even when I blamed and said "how can this be made good?" He did not stop.

I feel different now. I see different now. I see her...in His arms. Pure beauty, made perfect just as was promised. My heart sings at this picture, tears fall but they are of joy. I feel Him in everything and like never before His word transcends the world.

I was asked once: "What if it were all taken away, would Jesus be enough?" I knew the right answer then, but could not speak it, I could not imagine it would be enough. I hear Him say again "Come away with me." I go with trepidation, asking myself, can I live without it? I keep going, reaching for His hand.

Then He whispers "You have chosen the better thing, which will never be taken away." (Luke 10: 42)

Can I pray for you?

2010-08-01T21:22:00.003-05:00

As I reflect on the last almost 4 months, I realize how consumed by my own grief, despair and dark I have been. Looking back has shown me though just how wrapped in prayer I have felt by all of you {yes I mean all of you}. Many of you I know personally and then there are many of you that I only know through twitter and your blogs. Either way, all of you have touched me {my heart} in such deep and powerful way as you have loved on me and my family and prayed us through this.

So tonight, I ask you, what can I be praying for in your life or the life of someone you love?

Feel free to leave a comment on my blog or if you prefer to not be public feel free to email me directly (click on contact me at the top of my blog). I will pray for each and everyone of you.

I leave you with excerpt from my devotion today. Remember it is a promise that will never be broken.

Whenever you start to feel fearful or anxious, repeat this unconditional promise : "Nothing can separate me from Your Love, Jesus."

~Sarah Young, Jesus Calling

Waiting

2010-07-30T23:51:00.017-05:00

My devotion didn't suffice yesterday. I tried to let it be, give it time to show me. I'm feeling impatient with where I am on this journey. I was too eager and had my own agenda of what He was going to show me. As if it was to be redeemed right here and now. I crawled back into bed, it is safe. Maybe I could start over. I wrapped myself in her pink and lay my head down, not on a pillow but on a book...my Bible. As if it was going to sink in via osmosis. Several moments passed, I jolted up and opened it. I debated "Bible Roulette" but instead tried something a little different. My lament sent me to the Psalms. Rifling through its pages, looking for anything to jump out at me. The pages began to turn more slowly and at the 37th I stopped. My eyes were soon fixed on its words. "Psalm 37- Exhortation to Patience and Trust" I read it all. So it won't be restored today...but that is the desire of my heart. I read He wants to give them to me. I want to be through this already. For it to not be in my every waking thought or written on my face. But it is about the long haul I read. Wait for Him and keep His way (Psalm 37:34). Walk through the miry clay, even though I may trip, His hand will prevent a head first fall (Psalm 37:24). Entrust this day, this life to Him for His plan and purposes win the day. So I wait, with stillness (Psalm 37:7) and my heart open for something new. The new I know He is doing in me, I've already seen glimpses and felt its power.

His Word...music to my soul

2010-07-25T22:02:00.005-05:00

My face book and twitter updates may have given the impression that I am spiraling downward. I am okay. I just got kicked in the gut {heart} with a wave of grief yesterday that I so did not expect. Honestly, it seems silly now but I saw a pregnant woman walk out of Target as I was looking for a parking spot. Some how I allowed my mind to go there:

her baby bump looks like I SHOULD look right now
I would be 30 weeks, only 10 weeks to go...the home stretch
I should be nesting and planning
only, actually I am not 30 weeks pregnant
this week I will be 15 weeks 2 days NOT PREGNANT
not pregnant for the same amount of time I was pregnant
then I begin to see the movie in my head of April 13
and November 26, 2007 when it happened before
2 babies that should be here but are not

Why do I let my heart go there? To the things I cannot change. Why is my memory so vivid of these days? Why was I just writing how my life is so full and then I go to that place? Especially, when for the first time in months I feel a little bit like myself again, enjoying life and not faking it. Now I have had to fake it a little today, had to seek some strength to not burst out in tears. It did not work. I was a mess in worship today, especially by the time we sang "Eagles Wings". We read many verses together about rest, peace, and more. Many that I have stumbled upon myself in this journey and there they were, again. It was like He knew I needed those reminders this morning...no one else did...remember, I was faking it. But. He. Knew.

I still feel a bit defeated today, kicked down. But I cry out, and He hears and comes to my rescue...and oh how that feels like music to my soul tonight.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears

and rescues them from all their troubles.

The Lord is near to the broken-hearted

and saves the crushed in spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous,

but the Lord rescues them from them all.

-Psalm 34:17-19

Even with a hole, He fills my net

2010-07-22T21:32:00.006-05:00

That newborn cry. It is coming from the toy department and I am in produce but I hear it. It pierces my heart and my soul. It surprises me that it still affects me. Like the way I wake up and still reach for what should be nearly a watermelon belly by now. Only it is not, I have a waist again, although it is a bit like watermelon jello. I recall that even though 2.5 years have passed since it happened before I have thought about that piece of my heart each and everyday so why would this be any different. Especially after only a little more than 3 months. I see more car seats than we need, bigger strollers, the rear view mirror in my van reveals what should be, then I blink and see what is. It feels like less than what was supposed to be and I long for what cannot be brought back in this life. There's a hole and I worry what will slip away next. Then I dig deep and I feel it {weight} not of burden but of my net...there is much in my net. My home, my life, my heart, they are full...and I lay it down and count it all each day, from Him.

And I Know...

2010-07-21T23:19:00.006-05:00

My head is full of so much
some of which I feel guilty about
the questions & doubt that still surface
I get through the days, I am doing okay
really better than that, but it feels weird
His words that I have often spoken to
others in confidence and in peace
even relied on in the past for my own comfort
have caused me to wonder what good comes of this
often difficult to grasp His sovereignty over all things

" And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28 (NLT)

I want to believe these words, honestly I do
I think I have seen glimpses of the good
but I don't want to presume I know how He will make this good
wanting it to saturate my heart
I read it again and again, each time it
takes me back along the path I have walked
like photographs of where He's been with me
some painful, some joyful
in the deepest sorrow and despair
I sought Him {only Him}
I know He carried me through then
even when it feels like I cannot quite reach His Hand
He is bringing me through now
He and I are better because of it
and that I know, is so good!

Josie Rae

2010-07-12T22:29:00.009-05:00

She is spunky, bendable, helpful, caring, outgoing, determined and has a heart of gold. And she is already 9 years old {today}. Thursday, July 12, 2001 at 5:15 pm Miss Josie Rae entered this world. I have been telling others how she was supposed to be Leah Rae...but when she arrived and we saw something in her eyes, Greg and I both agreed she was Josie Rae. I think it fits her. The picture above is from a little over 4 years ago...and I have always thought it really captures her personality.

She and I are so much alike. So much so that it usually causes us to not agree on ~~a few~~ many things...often on a daily basis. She seeks out social justice within the family when she doesn't think something is fair...much like her mama. She is always making sure we all grab life with both hands and have a lot of fun along the way. She lives life full, often with a cartwheel on top.

When she was almost 6 years old, we had had one of those rough days...but it turned so beautifully and I want to share the link to a post I wrote that day titled "Crabby Child Turns Author"

She shows deep empathy for others, like I have rarely seen in someone her age. She has been a rock for me the last few months. It was like she could sense tears falling from my face even when she was in another room. She would hug me, she would ask questions no little girl should have to ask. In worship, she is {still} watching me like a hawk...she knows sometimes it gets me there. She'll ask "are you sad, mommy?" and wraps her arms around me. She prayed for Abigail even before she or even we knew she had been formed. She asked God, in her sweet innocent little voice out of the blue one very cold winter night..."Dear God, please make my mommy pregnant." She knows something we don't or at least her heart sees with different eyes.

This beautiful child loves life and has taught me so much about how to "live, laugh and love."

Happy Birthday, Miss Josie Rae! It is such a joy to watch you become a beautiful young lady.

There is Safety in Seeking and Joy in His Presence

2010-07-11T22:15:00.006-05:00

Sometimes I think I prefer this place I am stuck in along this journey. It feels safest here, in the deep, passionate seeking. I no longer feel that I will not escape the sorrow but I worry that the world will come and snatch me from Him, again. That the mundane of life will minimize her weight in this world. The world has taken hold of me before, promising to give me all I need, only it is false and I know it...empty promises to a weary soul.

I know how to live in that world and accept all it says I need...it can provide temporary sustenance and even joy. I have even had a deep, passionate seeking of all it had for me. I know what to do living in that. But it doesn't provide the love and rescue in trials. If it did I {we} would triumph over them and not need Him. But the truth is the world is not perfect. Only He is!

~~Sadly~~,Thankfully, this life has brought me a variety of trials, which have ultimately led me to seek. Naturally, it begins by seeking answers to questions of how, why, why again! It isn't easy. But when I tenaciously sought that place of presence {His Holy Presence} all I wanted to do was stay there and rest. I am still there, wanting to never leave. There are still questions but I don't question Him. There is still sorrow but when it surfaces I seek more. I lay it before Him. Broken and shattered, often still clutching a few of the pieces. But I have to give them all to Him so He can put it back together. Only He knows how they will fit. It may look different when He is done, but that is how I will know it was Him. It is hard, oh so hard sometimes to trust and believe this, but I do. I have to. I often struggle with how to live in this world and in Him. Then I remember that this world that tries to be bigger and better than Him is where He has placed me to live, breath, praise, love and serve. And I will.

By choosing to follow Him {wherever He leads} and live in His presence, I will find fullness of joy.(Psalm 16:11)

The Tie that Binds

2010-07-10T23:52:00.005-05:00

the last few months spent doing just what had to be done

coaching, working, feeding, playing, cleaning, snuggling

dusk reveals the day on our face, too tired for words

gently our hands meet with a firm squeeze, we just know

sleep passes swiftly to dawn to repeat the day before

like a gift, time finally slows just long enough for a date or two

at first there is so much to say, much has been the same for both

though never a chance to share, tears begin, first me, then him

we remember her, we are changed, {together} we are changed

thankfully not opposite paths, but the same on a new road

our new normal, that which changes how we do, see and be forever

we realize all this {the grief} could have preyed on us, taken us

instead we are bound together ever tightly by a third strand

and we just know

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."~Ecclesiastes 4:12

I am weak but He is Strong

2010-07-07T23:31:00.005-05:00

I have been thinking and even saying recently, that I am at a point in my life where I believe I could live without a tv in my house. No desire to watch anything anymore. Not even the news. Too much pregnancy, babies, life and death...for entertainment and in the news.

I am a sucker for a good deal. Especially second hand treasures...Goodwill has been my favorite in the past. I was often found there a couple times a week. The employees knew me well and knew my 2 yr old by name. Some how those cheap deals have no value anymore. The employees also knew I was pregnant. I have not been back there since April 9th {4 days before her ~~birth~~ death}.

I love my "Aveda therapy." March 25th was the last time my hair was cut and it was when I shared with my stylist I was expecting. More than 3 months later, my hair is long and losing its style. I cannot go back but I need to.

When I think about it, I find it incredibly odd that the things I am still avoiding pale in comparison to the things I have faced in the last 12 weeks. They are nothing compared to the strength I had to seek to question the availability of my daughter's body, to ask to see her {hold her} weeks later, to make arrangements for her cremation, to seek help for the darkness and panic, to attend a support group and even share my story. Still, all these things seem almost painless compared to going shopping, getting a hair cut and even turning on the tv.

My counselor gave me homework 2 weeks ago to do by the end of this week (my next appt)...go to Goodwill (I do not have to buy anything, just go in) and get my hair cut. Watching tv isn't necessary, although I know it something I am avoiding. I have made an appt for a haircut for this Saturday...although there are moments where I am either close to calling and asking the receptionist to give my stylist a message about what happened to avoid the awkwardness when I arrive or cancelling the appt altogether. I still haven't figured out how to go to Goodwill. I have been close, even in the parking lot.

It is not that any one of these things is important in the grand scheme of things, but they are important in breaking the cycle of avoidance. Yet, overcoming these fears becomes a letting go of the last few strings that tie me to the grief {to her} and in that letting go the memory fades a little more. Already I feel like I have forgotten pieces of her. Maybe that is why I sleep with the pink prayer shawl I held her in 6 weeks ago {every night, like a security blanket} or why I still wear the green maternity t-shirt I bought just 3 days before I delivered her. These things help me remember.

Then, when I consider where I have been and where I am at...I have come a long way on this journey. I must remind myself that just as He has been in it thus far, walking with me {often carrying me} that indeed, in the midst of this thorn His power will be made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Assurance

2010-07-02T20:25:00.007-05:00

dawn nears

I wake restless

the world is making

ready for this day

as should I

yesterday's fear comes again

I call out to You, My King

through salty tears

how will I make it today

in this world with other cares

the sun begins to rise

You hear my cry

and with a gentle whisper

ask me to linger

come rest a little longer

in You

eagerly I curl up like a babe

in Your loving embrace

I am assured of Your presence

which carries me {yet again}

through another day

It has been almost 4 years

2010-07-01T21:04:00.003-05:00

Today my Grandpa Puetz would have been 91 and a little later this month it will be 4 years since he passed away.

I wrote about Grandpa here and here back in 2006 when he was sick.

Happy Birthday, Gramps! I think of you often, especially when there are lumps in my hot cereal! LOL!

A Story-Still Unfolding

2010-06-30T21:06:00.014-05:00

This week has been tough. It is in the numbers...26 weeks I would {should} be...is quickly reduced to 11. That's how long its been since that day. Seems like forever, yet like yesterday. In that looking back I can see so much more clearly than in those first few days {weeks} and even before that day.

I prayed so hard for her, turning the fear {loss remembered} into trust was all I could do. Daily fear would try to take hold of me and daily I prayed it away. Did I know what I was doing in giving it all to Him? I said to Him "I cannot carry this fear, I give this life to you, I Trust You {completely}" I now remember saying those words.

I could not remember this in the days & weeks right after. When I did remember, I wondered what good was it that I prayed, gave and trusted. I knew not to blame...I even said I didn't...but honestly, I did. Me {even Him}.

Then I tucked it away...it was time to move on. I pretended it was getting better. Only it got worse. Grief stole my sleep, my appetite and what little joy I had left. It stole {changed} my perspective on everything.

But I am here to say there is more to the story. A story full of infinite love and rescue, still unfolding. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, there will always be a scar. It is how I will remember and I do not want to forget {ever} but I want to live.

I want to always remember how He rescued me from the valley. I want to always remember how He used people, their love, their prayers, their faith {when mine seemed lost} to stand in the gap for me. I want to always remember how He placed them in the perfect moments to believe for me, to speak His wisdom and His truth to me. I want to always remember how He pulled me near in the dark of night. I want to always remember how He fulfilled my desire to stop going through the motions and be drawn into a deeper relationship with Him.

{In that I will always remember her}

He came near- A Haiku

2010-06-28T22:57:00.005-05:00

Steph over at Adventures in Babywearing wrote a Haiku today and asked us to tell her ours...so here is mine.

You felt far away

darkness came close but then You

came closer to me

Psalm of my season

2010-06-23T20:45:00.005-05:00

Ever read a Psalm and it feels like you could have written it?

I was opening my Bible this evening looking up scripture references for today's devotional

I open to Psalm 77

I read it, again and again

the Psalm of my season

season of grief

season of rescue

many nights the sleep was brief

awakened to the dark night

not knowing what to say to Him

could not utter the words {any words}

not anger, trust or praise

only tears

darkness crept in deeper still

searching for answers

His love gone?

no longer gracious and compassionate?

are You there?

reminded to remember

pondering all that's been redeemed

Your hand, its seen me through before

You had a way through my sea of tears

though Your hand felt hidden

you led me by the hands of others

This Valley

2010-06-17T21:27:00.011-05:00

Some days I feel like I am almost out, that I have found my way to the green pastures and the still waters. But I resist. I fear forgetting. Forgetting her and what she was {is} to me {us} and even Him. When I feel restored will I cast Him aside while I get back to the world? When the sleep returns, the tears stop and joy abounds will I still seek Him? Will I let His eternal comfort change me enough to seek in the light and the dark, in the hope and the despair, in the life and the death? If I say I trust Him with this {with everything} no matter the cost will I follow the Shepherd to the green grass and still waters even if it is near a valley?

Daisy

2010-06-15T15:53:00.008-05:00

I have relied on the daisy many times in my life. "he loves me, he loves me not; he loves me, he loves me not..." A school age crush, teenage romance and even the love of my life while we dated. Sometimes it wasn't love I was trying to figure out but life...which job to apply for, which college to attend, when to begin a family...in all those times I relied on the daisy, whether it was physically in my hand or not.

The last 2 months, with no daisy physically in my hands I have done the same. I sit with the music on, "He loves me..." I stare out the window as the tears fall, "He loves me not..." I hold onto His word with what little strength I can, "He loves me..." I hold my flattened belly "He loves me not..." This would play out each day and often in the darkness of night {of my soul} over and over and over again. Pausing long enough at "He loves me not..." to crush my heart with lies.

I begged Him to lift the weight that I could not. I begged Him to come to my rescue. I begged Him to breath the Truth back into my heart and to fill the emptiest place I have ever been.

He is... then as if He had a daisy in His hand, I hear "I love you..." a petal falls, "I love her..." another falls.

Abigail Eden-Born into the arms of Jesus-April 13, 2010

2010-06-12T13:06:00.004-05:00

Dearest Abigail Eden,

I prayed for you before you were even growing inside me. Although I had no idea your time would be so short, mommy knew she had so much to tell you and do for you. Your daddy was so excited. The look on his face when I told him you were growing inside me was priceless. He was in love. Daddy and I loved having our little secret until it was the right time to share you with everyone else. I remember telling you all about your brothers and sisters. How excited they were to meet you. I shared Jesus with you and continued to pray for you, praying life over you each and everyday, sometimes every minute. My ever growing belly, the constant nausea, your beating heart we saw on the ultrasound and the flutters I know I felt were continued reminders of your life inside me, life which had been ordained by God.

You’ve taught me so much already. Even when I was feeling so weak, the Lord used you to make me so brave to do things in the last eight weeks I could have never had the strength to do. Walking in this valley has reminded me just how much I need Jesus!

You may have never breathed the air on this earth, cried a tear or nursed from my breast as I had prayed for. But my prayers for your life were answered. You have life, sweet Abigail, everlasting life with Jesus. Through my tears and my still heavy, aching heart I do have joy because of that promise and it grows ever so slightly each day as I choose to believe and trust despite my sorrow that God is good. He makes all things new and He has made you perfect in Heaven. I praise Him for choosing me to carry you even if it was into His arms.

I hope you know how loved you are, so very loved.

~Mommy

June 12, 2010

Beauty in the Mess

2010-06-01T21:35:00.009-05:00

Some days I frantically clean the house to keep busy and others I sit and do nothing but stare out the window. Looking at the trees blowing in the breeze, listening to the birds sing and marvelling at the beautiful butterfly that only visited my kitchen window each afternoon for 3 days last week after I saw perfect beauty.

grief is messy

in the sadness, despair, questions & doubt

in the hiding & pretending you are fine

the lies build

you did this, you deserved this

but I found beauty in what seemed the messiest of the mess

{made perfect}

in that beauty I find more

the ways I have been carried all along

through

those who came alongside

prayers & meals

love & shared tears

scripture & song

someone being nudged by the spirit

to reach out to me

He brings that beauty

especially in the mess

Jesus and the Bear

2010-05-23T21:45:00.003-05:00

Jessica asked for you today, she lifted my shirt and said "mama, you got the baby in there?" Mommy said "Jessica, the baby went to be with Jesus."

Jessica had lots of questions then...she asked "with the bear?" and "they havin' an oatmeal bar?" Then she had to know "they got shoes on? they go swing in the backyard?"

She remembers you, we all do!

It Stings

2010-05-16T20:52:00.007-05:00

The ache is still so deep.

I keep hoping & praying for tomorrow to bring less pain. In some ways it does...there is still life to be lived, loved and laughed...and I do. There are moments where I feel that ache being healed, as I feel His hand near in the joy of laughter of my children here on earth, the embrace of my husband, the comfort and love of friends and family and especially in the many moments best described as "Holy Spirit goosebumps." B. t then I see that pile of maternity clothes folded neatly on the floor of my closet or the ones I was planning to buy at the store. I realize this fall my time will be more available than I had thought I open my dresser drawer and see 3 positive pregnancy tests I took in January(I always take more than one...it's a quirk of mine) and the ultrasound pics that showed our perfect baby on March 16. My day planner with each week of pregnancy marked in pencil every Sunday {in my heart it is not erasable}

I wake each and every morning, before dawn and reach for my belly that is no longer there

It's then {especially then} it stings.

I know the Truth...

2010-04-26T13:49:00.004-05:00

Remember this post when I shared my fears? That ultrasound came and went with no cause for concern. In fact they said everything is perfect. Although, I was relieved, I still feared and knew I would at least until we got to 20 weeks (when we learned Jessica's twin had died) when I would have a level 2 ultrasound. But then on the eve of my next regular OB appt I asked for prayers at my Mom's Group, stating that I still felt fearful, although I so badly wanted to trust, and until that Doppler touched my stomach and I heard that beautiful sound of a heart beat from my womb I could not be sure. We prayed and I did not give it much more thought. The next morning I headed to my appt with Jessica in tow expecting to be there maybe 20 minutes...I knew the drill, weight, blood pressure, pee in a cup and have the Nurse practitioner listen for the heart beat. It was taking too long and I knew...I know the Doppler is not always effective at finding the heart beat at say? 10-13 weeks but certainly by 15+ weeks it should have been detectible. I sighed heavily. She tried to reassure me that sometimes it is baby's position and that we would do an ultrasound right away...but I knew. I felt it in the core of my being that my baby was no longer alive. The ultrasound confirmed. I sat there almost emotionless despite what I now knew. I have my 2 year old with me and all I could think is how she often came to my belly and said "I kiss the baby" or my husband at work and my older children at school who I now had to share this news with...AGAIN. I then had to wait to see my regular doctor. I walked away from that appt still with no emotion expecting to have a procedure later that week. I was told to go home and rest. Well my body chose to respond differently and I delivered my baby into the arms of Jesus later that night in the emergency room. Still no emotion. I began to think maybe it is just easier because it has happened before. I was wrong. The emotions came in the dark of night 48 hours later. Physically, I am recovered and have the same restrictions you would have after delivering a full term baby. Emotionally, I am shaken, sad and wondering what this all means. I know I am not meant to understand it all. But it is hard...so hard to see the importance in much of anything else after this. My head knows the Truth! I just cannot feel it yet in my heart and soul.

You Capture-Reaching

2010-03-18T09:02:00.007-05:00

Reaching for toys, sunshine, birdies, the sky and a world full of promise!

Visit Beth for more You Capture

Brought to the Surface

2010-03-16T08:52:00.003-05:00

Being pregnant with my 5th child has brought back all those past memories of being pregant with my other 4. The first feeling of nausea and you wonder am I getting sick or could this be morning sickness...then you recognize how familar it is and know it is not the flu. It is familar in how certain smells and even conversations can trigger it or how it really isn't {morning sickness} but {all day} sickness. You are so tired that your once night owl self takes 2 hour naps and is in bed by 9:30 pm most nights. Your once cheery waking self would rather stay in bed all day. The laundry piles up, hubby has to start doing the grocery shopping, something you covet and strangely prefer all to yourself {we all have our quirks}. It is all brought back to the surface...but there is comfort in feeling sick, especially when you know it is how your body responds to pregnancy. It is proof, for lack of a better term, that life is growing inside you.

But then other things come to the surface...the memories of loss. You remember how you had a weird feeling before {that ultrasound} and you could not put your finger on it but you were right, something was wrong. One of the two lives growing inside you is gone. You never imagined it as you have had 3 perfect pregnancies before. You are so grateful for the life spared but wonder what would have been? You still picture 2 carseats in your rearview mirror, double stroller at the big kids sporting events, what it would have been like to nurse two babies. You do not dwell but you always wonder.

So there you are the day of your ultrasound for your current pregnancy and although nothing is telling you something is wrong and you do not have that feeling you had before on that day, {But} you wonder!

Home Sweet Home

2009-12-08T12:12:00.003-06:00

I have become more of a home body these days. I look back when my older 3 kids were 5 and under and although I am sure the days were sometimes long and hard I cannot help but long for those simple days at home. Playing with kids, coloring, making snacks, reading stories all while moving a load of laundry and unloading the dishwasher. The evening would come and hubby and I would get the kids bathed and ready for bed right after dinner. read stories to them in our bed. (I still sometimes read to the big kids 12, 10 & 8 in my bed) Off to bed and hubby & I get some relax time.

It seems this is where I belong. I am finding joy in it all over again with a little one around again. Seems I can wake up tired, feeling lazy and then I get some laundry moving, big kids off to school, make a plan for dinner, play with Jessica and I am in my groove. So much so that other things I have to do kinda get put on the back burner.

I love rediscovering what brings me joy. I can feel I have lost it and go looking high and low for it at the mall in that new outfit, lipstick or purse only to be disappointed. I maybe am stuck at home with a sick kid that results in my cancelling a coffee date or not attending a meeting at church. While those things are good for me too it just reminds me where I belong...building and maintaining relationships at home and realizing that is something no amount of money can buy.

Life is busy around here these days but I so cherish the quiet days even if few. Sometimes we designate it a no playdate day and just be together. Friday there was no school so we put the tree up and decorated it. It was calm, the kids had fun...special memory. Celebrate the small things, that is what they will remember!

Hope you find some "Home Sweet Home" !

I "heart" Fall

2009-09-30T15:28:00.008-05:00

I really do love fall

cool, crisp & breezy

not sweaty, stinky & crabby

caramel apples, pumpkins & football

what I love even more

cute new fall baby clothes

You Capture: Peace

2009-08-20T00:20:00.008-05:00

The quiet stillness of a cattail buffer around a pond at a local park. Peace.

Jessica sleeping (just water in the sippy cup) and Jessica "reading" (her new favorite thing to do). Peace.

Be sure to head over here to see more You Capture: Peace photos

This is the way we do school lunch.....

2009-08-18T08:49:00.002-05:00

School starts 3 weeks from today and frankly, we are ready. Ready for routine, freedom from some boredom and a little more time for this mom. It also means I will be making lunches times three. It takes a little getting used to again but this will be our 2nd school year of the kids eating lunch from home about 90% of the time. There are a few reasons...it is expensive for three kids eating hot lunch...$30 a week and more because my oldest sometimes does not get filled up on 6 mini corn dogs. Which leads me to another reason, almost everyday the menu consists of something fried. Really? and they think it is healthy. They even show the average calories and other nutritional facts for each week...the average calories for each meal is over 600 and the sodium is through the roof! It appears most of the meals fat content is within the 30% of calories but only becasue the calories are so high, still does not mean it is good fat. There is also very little fiber witch is growing problem with children. I realize that districts have budget constraints and that is some areas that is the only large meal a day many kids get. So my kids have a few favorite on the hot lunch menu and I allow them to eat that once in awhile...interesting thing is the menu items they love are the healthier options....chicken fajitas and taco salad. I have been learning how to send a variety of things. My kids sometimes get a sandwich pretzels and an apple but that is when there is nothing else in the house. We have been varying the sandwich, opting for veggies and dip or something else crunchy and other fruits and occasionally yogurt. My kids do not buy milk, as we also limit there dairy intake. They all take water and occasionally 100% juice but water is the best choice in my opinion. This year we are looking for more ways to be "green" in how we pack the lunches. Somethings I have found our way too expensive so I was pleased to see Rubbermaid is coming up with affordable improved options that will fit in lunch bags. We will also be watching the clearance of kid sized lunch thermos containers so we can embark on sending hot lunch from home. My kids were thrilled at the thought of homemade chicken wild rice soup, spaghetti or chili in their lunches.
I know this way does not work for all but it does for us.

I want more than to believe I want to follow

2009-08-15T20:59:00.007-05:00

I have always believed. In fact I have vivid memories of what I believed God looked like. Bear with me because this was when I was a child. I always wondered how God knew everything and finally figured out that the only way this was possible is because He must be a enormous blanket in the sky with many heads all around it. I know kinda creepy. I went to Sunday School and then youth group and confirmation...we would sometimes sneak away to Mc Donald's after youth group instead of going to the service. I was confirmed...then stopped going to church. In high school I met my hubby, we were friends and then started dating and bless his heart he took me to his church, a contemporary service even, never had been to one of those. I tell ya the music had me hooked. We went through pre marriage counseling...although I highly respected the Pastor I totally did not take it seriously. I remember during our wedding ceremony standing there listening to the Pastor talk about praying together and the foundation that our marriage was to be built on...we believed it but would it be us? Life threw many curveballs, kids, no sleep, sick kids and no sleep, we stopped going to church. We had moved to a new town and thought when our oldest is old enough for Sunday School we would start going again. We did for awhile, then I would drop him off and run to the store while he was there. He cried everytime I dropped him off that finally I stopped making him go most of the time. Then a postcard came in the mail about VBS and I knew my son would not attend if I was not there. I stirred up all the courage I could possibly come up with and called the number and offered to help teach. What was I thinking? You see I was still a believer, but just a believer. VBS came and went ( I did enjoy it) but then I was asked to team teach Sunday School...YES came out of my mouth way too quickly. Someone else was up to something. I started getting involved in many ways at church, meeting other moms and eventually joining a small group for moms. I began listening to Contemporary Christian music and more often than not chose it over anything else and still do. All these things were were great additions to my life as a believer and I was racking up the points so to speak! Then my world was rocked (not ready to share specifics) in a way I never imagined would happen and I thought I was in control and being the "Good Christian" I found
some "Christian" books to help me solve it. Except I did not get answers on how I would fix "it" and change the other person but how I needed to trust and have faith, be patient and that I may need some changing myself. I thought well I can try that but it better work fast...like by tomorrow or I am taking over again. Well some how I had the patience to be obedient and let God be in control. That is when I went from being a just a believer to a follower of Jesus.

It was simpler

2009-07-02T23:37:00.003-05:00

It used to be our days consisted of waking without an alarm. We would eat breakfast, watch Sesame Street and play trains while still in our pj's. It was simpler. Then we might move some laundry and get dressed so we could head outside to play. Sometimes we would head to ECFE class or Mom's Morning Bible Study. It was simpler. I was more tired and sometimes went more than a day without a shower. It was simpler. Sitting in the back yard while the kids played on the swings or in the sandbox. I remember that big blow up pool the boys played in that was big enough for a two person tube and they would float for hours. It was simpler. I would spend an hour each buggy summer evening emptying, cleaning and refilling that pool. Still it was simpler.

Today I have older children and a baby, more laundry, more mess, more yard, more stuff to keep up with, more meetings, more miles on the van and I still often have to go more than a day between showers. I have become my kids' personal secretary fielding daily calls for play dates and butler to the ever ringing doorbell. I need gps chips in the older kids to keep track of where they are off too, frankly the baby needs one to...she is often off and running the minute I turn my back. It is not so simple!

This is not to say that our changing family isn't filled with joyful moments. I have just felt a lot lately like I wish it was a little simpler. My kids seem to have a busier social life than I do. I miss watching them just run outside and figure out what to do. The time when a toy John Deere tractor and the sandbox could occupy for hours. Now nothing occupies them longer than 45 minutes and even that is pushing it unless it involves food. The thought of a family night at home or everyone pitching in to clean the house or weed the yard/garden often receives grumbles or if they willingly help out they are done in 10 minutes.

All this has me thinking...about ditching the TV, no more activity sign ups, no meetings. More family time, experiences, bike rides, growing our own food. I long to take the kids to the beach with no timeline (usually we can go go but only for an hour because we need to get home to get ready for something else). Something a little more simple.

Will I actually ditch the TV and not let them sign up for sports...well, I might actually ditch our TVs but I probably won't keep them from the sports they love to play and I love to watch. I guess it is all about balance. I am searching for something...a little less stressful, a littlest less busy and hopefully a lot more simple.

You Capture. Sweet!

2009-05-20T23:32:00.003-05:00

http://http//www.ishouldbefoldinglaundry.com/2009/05/you-capture-sweet.html

What do I want to be when I grow up?

2009-05-18T13:49:00.003-05:00

I still wonder what am I going to be when I grow up. Sounds silly to say when I am nearly 35 (yes I did share my age, don't really have a problem with it). I remember thinking I knew what I wanted to do when I was in high school. I was going to be an attorney. I had been working in a Law Firm during my Senior year in high school and was fascinated. I headed off to Carthage College in Kenosha, WI to pursue that dream. I was excited to be on my own but sad to leave my high school sweetheart behind. I remember I had it all planned. I would major in Political Science and minor in Sociology with the emphasis pre-law. As exciting as heading off to college was to me, I was completely terrified that I would be a loner. I had friends in high school, many actually but often felt like a tag along in some groups. I was determined to make friends with my dorm roommate as well as others...well I did exactly that and no homework. I had been there 3 weeks and was nearly 2 weeks behind in reading and no where near prepared to write the 2 papers that were due soon. So I told my parents I wanted to come home. I also missed Greg very much. So my dad and Greg drove the 6.5 hours to come and pick me and all my things up. Once back in MN I vowed to attend the local community college in January. I did just that with the intent of taking their 2 yr Paralegal track and still work in the legal field. I wasn't off to a good start. I would rather spend time with Greg, who was also attending that school, and I rarely did homework...especially the reading. The result I did poorly on exams and ended up on academic probation. I had to go through some study skills coursework (which I think was not all that bad) and some personality type testing which revealed a list of a few likely career paths, some made sense and one I would hear nothing of the sort at that time. I basically started over. Had to re do a couple courses and work my tail off. At one time I was taking 17 credits and working just about 40 hours a week. At this point I was no longer pursuing the paralegal degree, I think I chose it because I was familiar with it but it really wasn't what I was passionate about. My grades improved. I had done really well and was removed from academic probation. I needed to take some time off to make final wedding plans. Greg and I married and about 8 months later I transferred to a 4 year private college with the intent to get into social work. I was going there half time and completed my first trimester and had begun 2nd trimester classes when I found out I was pregnant. I was so sick and tired that I just knew I could not continue at that time. I have always wanted to go back. It is hard sometimes when your friends all have degrees and you don't, I am still not sure what I want to be. I do believe that I am right where God wants me to be right now. At home with my family. And I am sure He will show me where I am supposed to be in the future. I think He has already given a few clues, maybe even 15 years ago in that list of career paths that the personality test revealed. For right now, I will embrace where I am and just "be" while being molded for what is to come.

Overhaulin'

2009-05-14T13:15:00.002-05:00

I think there is a show by that name...not sure. I am in need of an overhaul. In what way? Just about everyway. I have been feeling there just isn't enough hours in the day to get everything done I want or need to for that matter. Some of the problem is poor time management, too much time on the computer, overcommitting myself and many other things that steal my time. I desire so much to be a better mom, more involved, more productive, a better wife...this not to say that anyone in my family is saying that there is something wrong. When those stressful moments hit with the kids or just daily life I find myself losing it too quickly, saying no to my kids far to much because it may affect me and my agenda. I feel like I hit these valleys far too often lately and frankly, I just don't like it.

So, I am kind of in searching mode. What do I change, tweak or completely overhaul. The hardest part is knowing that it will take time to form new habits. Things like, getting out for a walk or getting up early to get showered and have time with God before the kids wake. Probably the most difficult is staying away from the computer. I could sit at it for hours. I mean hours! It is my escape.

So where do I begin? I am not really sure...baby steps I guess. What I do know is I desire to be better at putting God and my family first.

Why does it take another person's loss to feel grateful?

2009-03-10T22:03:00.002-05:00

You know I repeatedly remind my children how blessed we are. We have food to eat, a place to live and more things than we need or deserve. Somehow, we are never satisfied. Why is that? I know I have been known to want and want more. More stuff to hang on my walls, more clothes, anything on clearance and the list goes on. Yet, I struggle to keep the house full of these things clean, nothing is hanging on the walls cause I cannot seem to get the painting done and all the things it get on clearance are just cluttering my home.

My perspective has repeatedly been put in check when I read about the 100's of thousands losing jobs each month, people losing there homes and more and more I am learning about people I know and even the many I do not know that are facing health issues. In those moments of perspective I vow to live differently and more simply, to appreciate the little things in life like the laugh of a child and warmth of my spouse lying next to me and even the piles of laundry that I tackle each week. For a moment and sometimes only a brief moment, I really strive to do that. Then I leave the house (because I am bored and do not want to clean my house) to buy a new pair of shoes, a bunch of stuff on clearance that I do not need and make my way through the nearest drive through for a pop that is way over priced.

I stumbled across a blog tonight devoted to the life of Gracie. Gracie was born in March 2008 with a congenital heart defect and died March 2, 2009 just 18 days before her first birthday. This is not the first blog I have come across in the recent past with sad stories of families losing there infants. This one just hit me hard tonight. You see my baby girl is going to be 1 year old in just one month and I also have 3 older children just as Gracie's family does and I could not imagine what this family is going through. Tonight, while this family is still very much grieving Gracie, I was able to feed my baby girl her pureed sweet potatoes and turkey, sit with her in her room while I put her cute, sweet smelling and mostly pink clothes away, give her a bath and put her pj's on, read her bedtime stories and nurse her as I smelled her sweet baby scented hair.

I sit here tonight, with once again a new perspective but this time really pondering what I will do with it. Will I grumble during the night when the baby just wants her mama, will I make the time when my 7 year old asks me to read with her, will I sit at the computer when my husband comes home from a long day at work instead of greeting him?

Why does it take another person's loss for me to feel grateful?

I so needed to hear this...

2008-08-18T23:02:00.006-05:00

I have been burning the candle at both ends lately and suffering the consequences of that. It seems that now that I have a 4 month old who sleeps 11 hours at night and I am with my kids all day long, I relish in the quietness of the late night...I am able to relax, catch up on things and read (something I have not had time for in a very long time). On the flip side I am exhausted, crabby and seem to have a very short fuse that I am not proud of. That seemingly short fuse results in ultimately giving in, but only after an Olympic effort shouting match (again something I am not proud of). So after a very stressful evening of fighting with the central air (seems it does not want to behave either) and the children, I am spent. But then I stumbled upon this on Aimee's blog.

That was the encouragement and advice I needed tonight. I pray God will give me the strength to follow through. Old habits die hard.

Speaking of late nights, off to bed I go.

Where has the summer gone?

2008-08-04T13:16:00.002-05:00

I cannot believe it is already the first week of August. We have spent our summer playing baseball and soccer. It has been a blast but it sure made the time go by fast. It dawned on me the other day that when the baseball season started in May I had a 1 month old and now she will be 4 months next week. She has gone from sleeping (or eating, depends on her mood) through the games to being wide awake and playful at the games. She really handled going to the games well and the last week of games we had 9 total games to go to...and she came to 8 of them. She is really alert and attempting to figure out how to crawl. I still think it will be awhile but she is trying. I have been told that next year at the baseball games I will be getting my exercise as it is unlikely Jessica will just sit quietly in the stroller and watch the games. I am going to miss the evenings at the park with Josie playing with her increasing number of friends at the playground, she rarely watched a game but had so much fun building sand tunnels, mastering the monkey bars and sometimes making mud puddles. We often ran from Jared's game to Nathan's game or the other way around as they played on the same night. Soon the boys will start football and Josie will get back into Gymnastics and the basketball is around the corner as well. We will once again be on the go. It is always fun to the kids play sports. They all truly just have a love for the game, whatever the sport.

Not much else new except next week the big kids will be at Music Theater Camp and then put on the performance at the end of the week. Then we start football and gear up for open house at their new school. Wow August really is here and gone in a blink when you look at it that way. I will have to make sometime to just sit and enjoy what is left of summer.

Recent pics of the kids

2008-06-26T08:43:00.001-05:00

Let's try this again!

2008-06-26T00:00:00.002-05:00

I am contemplating writing again and using this blog to keep family updated...bear with me as I get started again and change up my layout.

I will write soon!

"Be Still and Know..."

2007-06-13T13:17:00.000-05:00

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." - Psalm 46:10

Over the past few months this verse has been placed in front of me on numerous ocassions. I am beginning to think that God has been doing this for a reason. I do not sit still well...I usually need to be doing something. I am trying hard to start a habit of "Being still" each day. I admit it is not easy. It is a lot easier to sleep a little bit longer in the morning or to turn in a little earlier each night. It is easy to just lay our petitions before Him each day and move on without praising and thanking Him and just as importantly listening to Him. It is in those quiet moments we are able to hear Him. It is still very much a learning process for me, but I feel as though I am learning and understanding a little more each day that no matter what that day brings...God will bring me through it. I have found that when I take the time to "Be Still" especially in the quiet of the early morning my day seems to go more smoothly and I am able to find joy in just about anything...even laundry. The mounds of laundry, piling dishes, bills to pay may be your storm or maybe it is something far more personal....but God is there to carry you through! That alone brings me such joy!

"Bloom where you are planted"

2007-06-05T15:19:00.000-05:00

Have you ever heard that phrase "Bloom where you are planted"? That has really hit home to me in the last few weeks. Then I stumbled upon Aimee's blog called Living, Learning and Loving Simply (check my side bar for the link) and her post about "Bloom where you are planted."

So often I am looking back...at all the woulda, coulda, shoulda's....and just as often looking too far ahead and trying to map it all out. Remember, I am the control freak planner.

I wonder if I would just plant myself in the here and now, what might happen? We all know that we cannot go back and we cannot jump ahead and have it all scoped out. Maybe if we "Bloom where we are planted"...walking daily with our Lord, watering ourselves with His word..we would start to really grow...putting down real roots...in our daily lives as we build relationships and serve God.

How will you begin to "Bloom where you are planted"?

Schools almost out!

2007-05-24T20:51:00.000-05:00

That's right! Another school year almost over...currently we are in the hurry up and pack it all in mode...track and field day, pen pal pincic, year end picnic, kindergartner hot lunch day...the list goes on. Plus, our summer sports have started and we are doing baseball several nights a week between the 2 boys and my daughter starts soccer in a couple weeks.

Summer is a nice break from routine but I really do not think I am ready. I had these visions of everything being in perfect order and ready so that we can just spend our days frolicking in the sunshine. Well, not sure that will happen, I haven't packed away winter yet...the winter gear is is piled in our storage closet with hats and mittens in a kitchen garbage bag...not in the labelled bin that I usually have it in by now.

If you know me even a little you know I like things planned out and orderly. Well that is not really going to well for me these days. Although I still strive for that, I am not getting there. I really plan to get there again we just need to get through the next 2 weeks of chaos.

I am hoping and praying to be able to keep the kids busy and enjoying the summer without running somewhere constantly. I really want them to enjoy being home. It is not their fault. Today so many of us are going full speed ahead all the time and we have forgotten how to retreat to home and have some family fun. There it is! That is my goal for the summer. You heard it here. I welcome your ideas on how to accomplish that. What do you do to help keep your home a place to come back to...where the family meets together to connect? I'll keep you posted on how it is going.

Crabby child turns author!

2007-04-17T22:45:00.000-05:00

Today proved to be a mix of moods and emotions for my daughter who is almost 6! We all have days like that! Especially us women!

She was very good all day and had a great time celebrating her friend's birthday and then it was time to come home. She threw a huge fit at Target about hair stuff..she wanted new barrettes, headbands and pony holders. I tried to explain in a way that would be a good lesson that we do not buy things all the time just because we want them...I bet in her head she was saying "but you go to Starbucks all the time." Anyway, we get home and she loses it just before dinner again...I gave her a time out. Then I said she could sit at the table and color or draw until dinner. Meanwhile, I am making dinner she starts asking me how to spell words..she is in Kindergarten and most of the words she asks me to spell are like "why, house, doll, etc." Instead she was asking me how to spell God and Savior! She was making a book and the title was "God is our Savior" (she spelled "our" as "are"..but you get the idea). See the picture at the top of this post. Then she drew pictures...God on a bus, a train, God hugging Mom, God hugging kids, etc...I said "oh you drew that because God is with us everywhere?" She said "no Mom, you know he is riding the bus and the train in Heaven so he can hug everyone." Wow...I do not know what else to say!

Untitled!

2007-04-17T09:30:00.000-05:00

I am not even sure where to begin this post. I am still in shock over what happened at Virgina Tech yesterday. Sometimes I wish we could just understand why things like this happen. Was the shooter depressed, angry or feeling lost? I do not know! It shows me that life is so fragile and we never know what tomorrow will bring. I am sure there are many families of the dead and injured as well as other students and faculty who are angry and some maybe even angry at God. To them I say, God hears you. God will never leave you...that's a promise even through the storms in our lives.

My challenge to all of you is to pray for everyone involved in this tragedy. Pray for peace, recovery, healing and protection. Many lives were changed in a blink of an eye yesterday...don't wait to mend relationships, don't wait to forgive....we do not know what tomorrow will bring!

Jeremy Camp - I Still Believe

2007-04-13T16:06:00.001-05:00

Everlasting God by Lincoln Brewster

2007-04-11T17:22:00.001-05:00

Things kids say and other ramblings!

2007-02-06T09:54:00.000-06:00

On Sunday afternoon I was on my way out the door to get some groceries and my daughter was upset that I was leaving. Her and daddy had just set up an old maid game....I told her I will be right back....you play old maid with Dad and "beat the pants off him". She started laughing hysterically and said "Does that mean I get to pull daddy's pants down?" Kids are so funny...obviously we cleared up that misunderstanding.

The only other noteworthy event here is that we have spent better part of the last 6 days with one or more sick kids....4 trips to the doctor later...all 3 have strep....or as my duaghter calls it "strap". I am seriously ready to fumigate the home. I do not know where to start though. I guess since I am home with 2 kids today then I have no excuse than to get something done. So off I go~

Mission Possible..I hope!

2007-01-26T13:15:00.000-06:00

So my never-ending quest to simplify and be less busy...has come with a price....that is...a little weight gain. I already have more than I bargained for but was feeling good about myself. The problem was when I was busy and never home, not only did I not eat as much but I was always moving...at my busiest I could get 15,000-20,000 steps in a day on the pedometer. So needless to say I am not getting a lot of steps and frankly don't even want to wear the pedometer...it just isn't giving me any good news these days. I guess it cannot measures steps if I am not taking them and sitting at the computer reading blogs...that is another post in itself.

Now it is not all bad because with it has come nice quiet evenings at home with the kids and hubby. We sort of have a bedtime routine again for the kids...that has been a long time coming. It has been very refreshing to feel like we can enjoy our home...why be in one if you are never there.

I am not sure why I got so busy for a while but I kind of think it was because I wanted to keep up with all those Moms who have it all together...perfect home, pefect hair and clothes, volunteer and some even work!!! How do they do that? I am trying to get my house back in order and it is not going well...paper piles everywhere..you know why? Because I was so busy for so long. I would just toss things in wicker baskets..it made it a little prettier I guess. I think at some point I began leaving to house to escape the mess and chaos...to my family I am so sorry..I realize now I was just creating more!

So I am on a mission and I could use a little support and that way I am accountable to someone...cause bless his heart, Hubby loves me anyway extra weight, messy house and all!
I am presently going through a bunch of receipts for the past couple months...now that is like a 2x4 hitting me in the forehead, Duh? No person should have that many receipts..no one!!! Which brings up another quest hubby and I are on...budgeting!!! So anyway, that and paper piles are my current mission...then onto my office and the rest of the house and then having a daily plan to keep order that includes healthy eating and exercise. I cannot think about exercising until the clutter is gone! I kind of need to have everything in order before I can tackle something like that....can you say anal retentive!

I guess what I am saying is it was great that I was out being busy and volunteering at school but if it was interfering with my family...that is just not okay! I wasn't serving my family...all I was serving them was fend for yourself dinners, no bedtime stories and "come on, hurry up let's go"! Not very healthy. Frankly I was not serving up much to the Lord either! This is not something I can do alone, I have been praying about this for sometime now and feel that the answer came over Christmas when the kids were off from school and I had very little going on because of the holidays and when it was time to go back to all those things I did not want to....I knew then God had shown what was needed...now I do not love to "quit" but I did...so I did give up a few things...some that I may go back to but that I could no longer keep doing right now if I was going to put God and my family first.

"Everything to Me"

2007-01-24T17:26:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I was trying to expain to someone the other day how a relationship with God has changed my life and I was struggling to find the words. I went on to say that I grew up knowing about God and believing but never really felt I had a relationship with Him. This person went on to ask how is it different? Of course the sap that I am began to cry and talk about how God help me out of a seriously dark pit...and it wasn't until I let God be in control that I began to realize what He was to me....then today I stumbled onto the lyrics to a song by the group Avalon (love them by the way) that I have heard and known for awhile but never really paid attention to the words...well the lyrics totally express what God is to me....More than the stories I have learned , he is real in my life and I feel His presence in all that I am and do.....I am so glad for that! I thought I would share the lyrics with you!

Everything To Me

By Avalon

I grew up in Sunday school

I memorized the Golden rule

And how Jesus came to set the sinner free

I know the story inside out

I can tell you all about The path that led Him up to Calvary

But ask me why He loves me

And I don't know what to say

But I'll never be the same

Because he changed my life when He became

Everything to me

He's more than a story

more than words on a page of history

He's the air that I breath

The water I thirst for

And the ground beneath my feet

He's everything, everything to me

We're living in uncertain times

And more and more I find that i'm aware

Of just how fragile life can be

I want to tell the world I found

A love that turned my life around

They need to know that they can taste and see

Now everyday I'm praying

Just to give my heart away

I want live for Jesus

So that someone else might see that he is

Everything to me

He's more than a story

more than words on a page of history

He's the air that I breath

The water I thirst for

And the ground beneath my feet

He's everything

And looking back over my life at the end

I'll go to meet you saying you've been

You're everything to me

You're more than a story

More than words on a page of history

You're everything to me

You're more than a story

More than words on a page of history

You're the air that I breath

The water I thirst for

And the ground beneath my feet

You're everything to me

Lord, you're everything to me

Just call me scatter brain!

2007-01-16T21:49:00.000-06:00

So, I have been feeling lately that I just cannot get anything accomplished....I tend to start a task only to get sidetracked with something else...I know it sounds like motherhood!

But why can't I have it all together? Why can't my days go like this:

Wake up and have quiet time with God, Shower and get ready, Wake the kids cheerfully, Get them breakfast all while I move the laundry, swish clean all 3 toilets, manage the clutter, do the dishes, drink my coffee, work out, make the beds, check the backpacks..and all the while I am cheerful, full of undivided attention to each of my children and husband and the house is in perfect order.

Instead my days go like this:

Wake up groggy, lucky to get the shower..let alone brush my teeth, kids have breakfast all over the kitchen, tv is too loud "don't you kids remember no tv in the morning", flushing toilets the kids forgot, scrambling to get the kids out the door while tripping over everything on the kitchen floor, which I do not think has been scrubbed in nearly 5 weeks (it has been spot cleaned so do not call the Centers for Disease Control) and piling the dishes into an already overflowing sink.

Yikes, I keep saying I want clutter free living and order to our days and it is almost getting worse.

When I am not busy I get lazy and can't get everything done and when I am busy I am too busy to get everything done!

I need some serious motivation and a way to teach my family how to pitch in! Side note: my husband does a lot around the house and is by no means contributing to the chaos.

That is really all I have to say today! I guess that was just really on my mind. I would love to hear your comments on how you all keep it together!

Blessings!

I am back!!!!

2006-12-27T23:29:00.000-06:00

Once again it has been awhile! Let's just say I have been very busy....3 kids in school, my business, church committments and volunteering at school have managed to keep me from writing. I do miss it but many times it is 11:00 p.m. before I have a chance to sit and then I am too tired. I am hoping...NOT PROMISING...to write more...sort of a New Year's Resolution. We will see...but I will try.

Hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas..we did...it was very busy around here and now the toys have taken over the house...I am on a quest for no clutter as most of you already know and the clutter is winning. The kids are on break so they are playing with everything...who can blame them...but as I look at the toys that have not even been opened yet I cannot help but think there is too much. So this week I have been cleaning and sorting and yes making more trips to the local thrift store. When I keep taking stuff there I think where have I been keeping all this...and kicking myself for the being so wasteful...I know it all goes for a good cause and don't get me wrong...I love to shop at the thrift store...many treasures are to be had and I also think there is something to be said for choosing to buy something used if it suits the purpose. I love saving money by purchasing used clothing and household decorating items. It came in quite handy this fall as all the kids needed new everything...coats, snowpants, boots and the hats and gloves....I have no problem buying used items to fit those needs. I think that is just using money wisely. We are blessed with income but I believe we are all called to use it wisely. If you think of all the waste in our society...we are already recycling our trash why not carry that over to everyday items. Many things even if still useful get thrown away everyday.

Maybe it is Christmas that has me in a frugal mood...most people are forced into frugality after the holidays...often unnecessarily. Buying just for the sake of buying and then feeling miserable about it afterwards. Where is the joy in that?
My family had the pleasure of buying for a child in need this Christmas...we were given sizes and interests and a dollar amount to aim for and we had a hard time stopping. You see, an experience like that changes how you look at the giving and receiving. My husband and I struggled to come up with ideas for our families because you know what..we all have what we need...and while it is okay to have a few things you want...think about if you will still be using them or wearing them in six months....will you be on to the new and improved version of the item...because it is obsolete almost right after you buy it. I am not saying that we should get rid of gift giving...but it needs to be put back in it's place...as a heartfelt guesture...whether as a sign of love or gratitude. Not a competition to see who can give the best toy or gadget. We get so caught up in the joy of a good deal and that the item is "what everyone wants this year" that we forget about the entire reason for Christmas. We give gifts to our loved ones because we were given the greatest gift of all..God's Son Jesus!

I am not perfect and boy do I love a good sale and do I strive to be the one who give the kids the best gift....but I am challenging myself to be more thoughtful in choosing a gift and not worrying about the amount to spend and more about making it meaningful and about spending time with loved ones. Sometimes the best gifts come in the smallest of packages.

May the joy of Christmas live in your hearts all through the year!

Family Time

2006-08-10T10:12:00.000-05:00

Yes, once again it has been awhile since my last post. It truly feels like time is flying...Seriously...Each day running to the next and then after a few days I say "oh darn, I forgot to blog or I forgot to call someone back." I am really trying to work on that in my continual quest to declutter and simplify our life and home! It is definitely a work in progress. My husband even wondered this morning what is going on...the house is picked up and the dishes are getting done...that is usually his job. Well again, it is a work in progress...not perfect yet..probably never will be. You see I have been thinking long and hard lately about my role here on earth and I know I am here for many reasons...certainly to spread the word of God and minister to others...but that includes my family. I choose several years ago to be primarily a stay at home mom and I love it..it has its moments though...So in this current quest I am also looking to teach my children responsibility and respect for people and things. Do not get me wrong, my kids a re very well behaved and good students. It is just that I see what is happening to today's youth and I am afraid it will happen to my kids. It may mean they have more "chores" than their friends, they will do homework before play everyday and that they are not signed up for every activity under the sun...too many kids are doing 2 sports and swimming lessons and anything else they can fit in all at one time...to the point that one week they miss swimming to go to soccer and then miss baseball to go to a piano recital. I know that parents want there kids to sow their oats and try everything to see what they like and are good at. They think if they take a break from dance to try gymnastics that they will never be allowed back at dance if they decide that is what they like. Come on, if people would just not worry about what others think...it is the whole keepin' up with the Jones'...be different..reinstitute family time in your home and less running around...you will find you get to know everyone again and actually enjoy each other. Plus think of the money you will save and yes your kids will be fine and over time they may even have improved behavior since they are not running all the time.

Okay so I did not intend to get on a soapbox about this and I am certainly no expert...I hope I did not offend anyone...I was just speaking from what works for our family. Yes my kids will be in sports just not 3 at once. We actually sat and watch a movie together last weekend and it almost brought tears to my eyes...we had a blast hanging out in the living room watching a movie!

Okay after that I am not sure what else to write..have a great day!

My youngest is 5!

2006-07-12T23:17:00.000-05:00

Well my daughter turned 5 today and I still cannot believe it. She was so proud too...she has been counting the days. I had no ideas on what to get her for her birthday...she plays with just a few things otherwise she is off and running outside. She loves clothes...really loves clothes...so that is mostly what she got from us...she even got underwear...she loved it. I found myself at the last minute wanting to make a mad dash into Target and grab whatever else I could find that every 5 year would want...but then I came back to reality and realized all that would do is make overwhelm her, create more clutter (if you have been reading...I am so trying to get rid of that) so I used self control and did not go and instead threw a $5 bill in with her gifts....she was thrilled. I think we have gotten too hung up on getting the perfect gift...because we want to be the one that gave the most prized toy....I mean who wants to be the one whose gift doesn't get opened immediately. My daughter managed to play with everything tonight and even tried on her new clothes and the underwear. I think we need to remember that it is not the size or cost of the gift but the thought behind it and maybe just some time with that person and some thoughtful words. My daughter got to stay up later tonight and even have an extra piece of cake after her brothers were zonked out....I think that is one of the things she will remember most about today....alone time with Mom and that extra piece of cake. So as her birthday winds down, I realize she will no longer be counting the days until her birthday, at least not until next April...but instead the days until she starts Kindergarten...that will be another emotional day!
Good Night!

Bible camp, bike ride and other happenings!

2006-07-11T14:50:00.000-05:00

So we had our first summer camp experience with our oldest child last week. He went with a friend to a 2 day Bible camp. I was so nervous that we stayed at my sister's which is about 30 minutes away. My worries were irrational...he would get lost, not like the food, forget where his cabin was, drown in the lake.....meanwhile there are 20+ counselors and staff and the ratio was roughly 5 kids to one staff person. Still I worried...but he did great and did not want to leave and he says he is going for the 5 day version next summer...I was thinking 2 days was still a good idea...I guess we will see.

I am also busy getting ready for a trip next week to Texas...I have been away from my kids for 5 days before but my husband has been with me. I am very excited but the control freak in me is getting everything written down for my husband and my parents, who will have them one night. I know everything will be fine.

I have to tell you a funny story that happened yesterday. You see my husband has been taking all three kids on a bike ride at least every other day the last couple weeks. We are talking 3-5 mile bike rides round trip. My boys I can see doing that but even my daughter (who will be 5 tomorrow) is joining the adventure. So yesterday, they went and after about an hour I get a phone call (thankfully my husband took his cell with) saying that they were quite a ways from home and my daughter was whiney and my oldest was had fallen and scraped his knee. My husband had an idea of where they were....on a 2 lane country road...so he gave me rough directions. I drive there and find them and we fold a seat down in the van and load up 4 bikes and 4 worn out riders and head for home. We kept track of the miles....they were 6.5 miles from home and because they had gotten turned around they had likely biked much further than that. They all recovered and my husband's peace offering to them was a trip to Dairy queen. They were thrilled.

Lastly, I can read! Yes I have always been able to read. You see in the last ten years I have read magazines, parenting books, the Bible (not the whole thing..still working on that!), and books for Bible studies...but all of those options usually meant reading most 20 pages in a sitting. I had time for that but I have not read an entire novel since I read The Firm by John Grisham more than ten years ago. I always say I do not have time or I fall asleep when I pick up a book...and those are true. I also have not made the time either! Well 3 friends in the last few months have read this book Marley and Me by John Grogan...daily they would talk about the humor and sadness....clearly a book that causes you to feel something...they could not put it down. Well I had picked it up about 10 days ago and read the intro and 1st chapter...I was intrigued and then I got busy again...well I had some free time today and I sat outside and read it for awhile. I am hooked...it is so funny! I am to chapter 6. Looking forward to some free time to get back to it this evening.

I guess that is it for now...not much else to report.

Have a blessed day!

I know it has been awhile!

2006-06-30T23:52:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know it has been awhile since I have written. I have been busy...and ultimately tired at the end of the day, which is when I would usually write. Between the garage sale and school being out, I am on the move..cleaning more....because the kids are here more. I suddenly have this need to have everything clean...I mop the floors more often and I have my spray bottle of all purpose cleaner ready for counter tops and spot cleaning the kitchen floor. I am still not a fan of dishes but the kids have been unloading the dishwasher so that is pretty cool...I hate that part..I do not mind loading at all.

Even after the garage sale I kept finding more stuff... so I was busy throwing, donating and organizing our home. It is so therapeutic. Unfortunately my office has not had the pleasure of a good decluttering...I work with mounds of paper piles everywhere. I am hoping this weekend will be the time I get that done.

We have also been busy going to baseball games for my boys..it has been fun watching them play (they are on the same team) and my husband coaching. I feel like I am the only parent who does not make stupid comments. I just truly enjoy watching them play...I do not care if they win or lose and if they mess up a play...just move on..have fun...that is what it is about at this age and some parents do not get that.

Well that is about it for today! I am hoping to be back in the swing of things and writing regularly...stay tuned!

Garage Sale

2006-06-07T00:36:00.000-05:00

First of all, let me apologize for not writing in awhile. When we got back from the camping trip...which was fun by the way...I have managed to keep myself very busy. I have been very busy getting ready for a garage sale.

We are having a sale the end of this week...I did not realize how much stuff we had. Where was I storing it..one friend asked. I do not know...I think that is why my house was always a mess. It is very therapeutic to purge items that you have no need for. It is amazing to me how much one person, let alone a family of five can accumulate in such a short period of time. What a waste of money.

The last few years, I have been realizing life is not about stuff, the size of your house, the car you drive or how you earn a living...it is more about serving God, caring for your family and helping others. I hope by getting rid of all this clutter that my family and I can enjoy life a little more and instead of everytime the kids want to go somewhere...and I say...no, "I need to clean the house"...I can say "sure let's go to the park" or whatever it is.

A little side note....my daughter was a LITTLE difficult today while I was working in the garage and tonight when she said her prayer before bed she said..."Dear God, thank you for the beautiful day, all the food, I was naughty today but I don't care and I did not like it............Amen.
Not sure if she was apologizing or what but it was cute and thought I would share that.

Good Night!

"A camping we will go....."

2006-05-25T23:37:00.000-05:00

Well, as I write this I should be packing clothes and getting things organized for our camping trip this weekend. I am very excited.

The weather is suppose to be gorgeous and hot. Looking forward to some tanning...safely...I will have on my spf 50 so I figure any color I get in spite of the sunblock has to be safe. I plan to get some reading in and lots of munching. Always lots to munch on.

The kids will get a lot of time to swim, play basketball, minature golf and maybe even a hayride..oh and lots of s'mores. Yummy.

I am a little sad though, as originally my two awesome friends next door and their families were supposed to come too but something has come up and understandably so, they will not be there....You will be missed...but we look forward to them joining us Sunday evening hopefully for dinner and a fire.

That is really it for tonight. I may not write again until Monday...unless I get home each day for a shower...I live close to the campground or if Mom has her laptop with.

Have a great weekend!

"I have two feet"

2006-05-24T23:01:00.000-05:00

Well as I said in an earlier post I had broken my right foot about 8 weeks ago. Well today, after being able to put weight on it for about 2 weeks now, I am able to transition from my aircast/boot to a regular shoe. Yippee!!!! Well the doctor's exact words were "a good supportive tennis shoe"...that is so not fashion forward. Plus I have large feet and unless I am wear sweat pants, tennis shoes make me look like a clown.

I have gradually felt my freedom return as I have been putting weight on it and I have been driving for about 2 weeks now. What a relief! I think I could have gone crazy. My muscle has atrophied and my tail bone hurts from having to sit all the time. I have been sitting a little less these days and my muscle will return slowly, some has already. I was told no exercising for about 3 more weeks. I really want to start walking. I am just relieved the healing process went so well after the surgery.

I had so much support and help during my recovery and I just want to say thank you. I am so thankful for family and friends that were able to help me get places, bring food, clean and help with the kids.

"I have two feet" again!

"An angel at the salon?"

2006-05-23T23:24:00.000-05:00

My daughter and I went get our hair cut tonight and I had to bring the boys with us, which I was sure would be difficult. I had them sit up front while we got our hair washed and cut. It took a long time because I had to have an additional treatment done to my hair as it was extremely dry. I kept having my stylist check on the boys...I could see my daughter getting her hair cut by my brother in law's girlfriend and she could keep her eye on them from where her station was. I was somewhat relax but still waiting for that moment....that moment never occurred.

Well, I went up to the counter to pay.....hoping to get out of there before they came unglued...which I was sure would happen soon!!!!!! I was waiting in line and this older woman ( I think she was one of the educators....it was a beauty school) came up to me and put her hand on my shoulder and said "I just have to tell you that you have the most wonderful kids". She went on to say something about how well they behaved. In my head I am thinking "Yeah they are great kids but sometimes they just drive me bonkers"....instead I thanked her as I held back a tear.

If you read my post yesterday you know that I was not praising my daughter at all...I was thoroughly frustrated with her. I was sure I was doing everything wrong because I was not getting through to her. When this woman said that to me I felt guilty for being so frustrated. Then as we drove home and I contemplated what had just happened, I thought she must have been an angel....or I imagined the whole thing...you see by this point the kids were in the back seat coming unglued!!!! I was back to reality!

God came to me tonight through this woman to reassure me that I am a good parent and it isn't always going to be easy but He is there. I think as parents, when we get frustrated we immediately run to our friend or our spouse.....but as a few of my friends have shown me recently, I need to remember to go to God first.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" Philippians 4:6

"Lil Miss Attitude"

2006-05-22T22:10:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing it right...parenting that is! My almost five year old has a heart of gold and a spunky attitude. And as you can see in the picture she is just having fun. Her giggle is infectious and she loves hugs.

Lately, she has been a little on the difficult side. I am sure to some extent it is her desperate need for independence. I can relate. She changes clothes all the time, tries to be the one in charge, does exactly the opposite of what we tell her to do, etc.....She whines a lot and fights going to bed and just has an attitude. I know all kids tend to act in this way but it seems that this is going on despite our efforts to be firm and consistent. We have tried using the "naughty step" coined by Nanny Jo from Super Nanny and taken away privileges...to no avail.

So I have come up with a plan...I took it from Dr. Phil....he has great parenting advice.
Tomorrow morning I am stripping her room of everything fun that could distract her from bedtime and she will earn those things back in her room as we see her behavior improve. Dr. Phil would go so far as to leave her a pillow and blanket but I think that is a little extreme and I do not have room to store furniture.

The main thing I think is to stop parenting on the fly...I tend to try and discipline while I am doing 2 or 3 things at the same time. I need to stop and get down to her level and address the situation. Sometimes I forget that I am first and foremost a wife and a mother and all those other tasks, work and leisure time mean nothing if my home is not happy!