Sunday, July 25, 2010

His to my soul

My face book and twitter updates may have given the impression that I am spiraling downward. I am okay. I just got kicked in the gut {heart} with a wave of grief yesterday that I so did not expect. Honestly, it seems silly now but I saw a pregnant woman walk out of Target as I was looking for a parking spot. Some how I allowed my mind to go there:

  • her baby bump looks like I SHOULD look right now
  • I would be 30 weeks, only 10 weeks to go...the home stretch
  • I should be nesting and planning
  • only, actually I am not 30 weeks pregnant
  • this week I will be 15 weeks 2 days NOT PREGNANT
  • not pregnant for the same amount of time I was pregnant
  • then I begin to see the movie in my head of April 13
  • and November 26, 2007 when it happened before
  • 2 babies that should be here but are not

Why do I let my heart go there? To the things I cannot change. Why is my memory so vivid of these days? Why was I just writing how my life is so full and then I go to that place? Especially, when for the first time in months I feel a little bit like myself again, enjoying life and not faking it. Now I have had to fake it a little today, had to seek some strength to not burst out in tears. It did not work. I was a mess in worship today, especially by the time we sang "Eagles Wings". We read many verses together about rest, peace, and more. Many that I have stumbled upon myself in this journey and there they were, again. It was like He knew I needed those reminders this one else did...remember, I was faking it. But. He. Knew.

I still feel a bit defeated today, kicked down. But I cry out, and He hears and comes to my rescue...and oh how that feels like music to my soul tonight.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears

and rescues them from all their troubles.

The Lord is near to the broken-hearted

and saves the crushed in spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous,

but the Lord rescues them from them all.

-Psalm 34:17-19

1 comment:

  1. I think you let your heart go there so that you know you're not numb, you still have feelings, (which is a good thing!) and you are healing. I am so sorry, I do hope it gets better. Thinking of you.