Sunday, November 07, 2010

Glory Revealed

The holidays are quickly approaching and I feel it. Thanksgiving will always be difficult as 3 years ago November 26 we learned Jessica's twin had died. I also cannot help but think about Abigail and that she should be here right now. I see babies and I swear I can feel and smell my babies in heaven. They both hold a huge place in this family. It probably is not visible to all...but we know and He knows.

We talk about them a lot. Today while shopping with my 9 year old Josie we saw Christmas ornaments with names on them. Sure enough they had one with Abigail. I felt my heart skip a beat and I think Josie's did too. Josie then began asking about Jessica's twin and what we would have named the baby if it was a girl and if it had been a boy. You see we don't know. I asked the Dr. to look on the ultrasound and he said it was not possible. I have since learned it is but I cannot go there. It has forever nagged on me and just when I think I feel some peace, it is back. It is back asking what kind of mother would not demand for answers such as this? Yes I have thought this and even said it out loud to myself. I did not know what I was supposed to do. I wasn't able to deliver that still life from inside me because I had to keep growing Jessica. I grieved for a short period of time and then I moved on, although I thought about how there should be 2 of everything, just about everyday since then. I think the Lord protected me and Jessica at that time. It wasn't until losing Abigail 2.5 years later that I really dealt with all of it. Still dealing with all of it.

How my body can stop being able to sustain life.

How to honor the memory of a child you weren't able to name...we have to tell Jessica one day.

How each day I have to beg for His help to make it through. It is definitely easier than months ago, but it is still hard.

How I need His help, because I still need to be a mom; Jessica's twin and Abigail have a place in my heart but these people need me now!

How to feel such loss and gain all at once...because oh my goodness I have lost so much but I am so blessed!

How to be sure that just because we feel we need to be done having children that does not take away the impact our babies in heaven have had on us. {forever changed}

How I need Him to help me so I take care of this too...

How to keep giving thanks in all circumstances...

I may not have my babies here to hold but their lives, albeit short; had a purpose...this I know.

He has made Himself known to us like never before.

That is Glory Revealed!


  1. that was beautiful. I know my daughter thinks of her little brother often and we had one of those bittersweet moments when she asked if we could buy him a Christmas present. God has given me so much and yet there is so much missing.

  2. This is a very moving post. I think everyday of our sweet baby Ryan Jane that we lost last march at 14 weeks.

  3. You are so beautiful. Inside and out.

  4. I am new to your blog and that was beautiful...
    I am a grandma in tears.
    I wish I could hug you.

    from a new reader in Oregon

  5. I lost a baby long ago, but think about "her" all the time. :) Thanks for sharing your journey so honestly and eloquently. I'm so glad we have Him to carry us when our grief seems unbearable.

  6. So beautiful. Words fail me as to a reponse. But, oh, so touching.

  7. Oh, my friend. He hears your heart cries. You will know one day about Jessica's twin ... you will know that baby on the other side of eternity. That's the kind of mother who doesn't demand an answer to such a thing -- one who has faith that she will see that baby when we're all in His presence. You are a good mother, Jen.
    And your family here on Earth? Beautiful.