Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Call it Grace

The memories of this day six years ago come flooding back. The sounds, smells and faces of all I encountered on April 13, 2010 are as fresh as they were then. The difference 6 years later is I am okay. I hesitated to even write that, but last week I had a conversation with someone about my journey and "I am okay" came out of my mouth. I didn't want to come across as being okay and I don't care or remember...just the opposite is true.

Six years ago this morning I learned for the third time in nearly 3 years that the baby inside me no longer had a heartbeat. I was numb and almost acted as if I did not care...that is shock. I could not believe it was happening again...but I couldn't scream or cry or anything...I felt nothing. But ending up in the emergency room delivering her that evening instead of a procedure later that week was just the beginning of His love, grace and mercy for me in this journey.

That numbness turned to darkness that went on for weeks. So long I had forgotten what joy in the morning was. Yet all those days of staring out the window and having to have others come give Jessica (then 2 years old) lunch because I would forget...I knew He was there. I couldn't articulate it but I know I felt it. I leaned on others a lot and that was hard for me. I asked a lot of hard deep questions of God and this Jesus who I had long ago declared my Savior. Yet I truly wondered and verbalized whether He was really there. But I knew He was, that was such an odd feeling. I wondered if I would ever be the same again. Would I now be consumed with postpartum depression that would reside in me forever...I couldn't see the way out. But many of you could! You came and sat with me. You brought us meals and took my kids to baseball. You didn't ignore my facebook posts that were a cry for help and you came and you stood in the gap. You sat up on facebook private messaging late into the evening responding to my deep questions of faith...questions even in my numbing darkness were hard for me to ask...I was ashamed that I was questioning. But you sat there and answered by sharing some of your own darkest moments of grief and despair. And when it got so bad I wasn't sleeping, eating and was panic stricken multiple times per day God used you to encourage me to seek help.

You believed when I could not believe.

You saw when I could not see.

You loved me when I could not love myself.

You cared for and loved my family when I could not remember how.

I was afraid to ask for help, I did not want to be weak.

I was still so afraid I would never be the same again.

6 years later I am not the same. I am not! And that is love, grace and mercy my friends. All those days and weeks of darkness and despair...a work was being done in me...I wasn't worthless or a lost cause to Jesus...He is in the business of miracles..."some may call it foolish and impossible but for every heart it rescues it's a miracle" (Call it Grace by Unspoken).  Call it Grace!

He will come and enter those places of emptiness, darkness, anger or grief and He will fill them...I promise. Life breaks sometimes but "the cross says these are all, places where grace is soon to be so amazing." (Unredeemed by Selah)

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